nfl-crystalball Once again the call has been made to gather the great Pocket Doppler Prognosticators to try to outsmart, outwit and outsnark each other. But let’s face it, it’s not as  simple as calling, “Avengers Assemble!” More like herding cats if you ask me. This year yet another Founding Father weenied out retired. This year’s crack team of suckers experts will include Founding Father Wally, Angels Colleen and Kelly, Favored  King of Procrastination Stepson Rich and the relatively new spanks Thaddeus and Jay.

The Score:
Wally: 2
Colleen: 3
Kelly: 1
Rich: 1
Jay: 3
Thaddeus: 1

Wally:

Washington at Green Bay – As I mentioned in the Friday Daybreak Doppler, last week against the 49ers while I knew the Packers could win I was pretty much expecting them not to so as to lessen the disappointment. I was a little tentative on this game looking at the schedule when it came out but after seeing Washington play on Monday night & how RG3 just doesn’t quite seem to be all the way ready yet I am feeling a lot better about it.  That being said, Griffin will have had another full week to get back into the swing of things so the QB we saw on Monday may be quite different than the one we’ll see on Sunday. I do believe the Packers will get the win here though as they’re the better overall team. It may turn out to be a close game though but in the end the Packers will be 1 and 1.

Denver at New York Football Giants – Peyton Manning I have to say, somewhat begrudgingly, really does amaze me. I gave him up for dead last year when he went to Denver & he surprised me. In that home opener he downright shocked me.  Denver is a popular pick to be the AFC entry in the Super Bowl & I can definitely see why after they dismantled the Ravens in that Thursday night affair.  I think as the Broncos head East they’ll continue the winning streak & Peyton will send little brother Eli home in a bad mood.

San Francisco at Seattle – Have to go with the Seahawks here because of Russell Wilson and my growing contempt for the 49ers & everything to do with them.  This will be, and rightfully so, the most hyped game of the weekend with two up & coming QBs & getting an edge in the NFC West. Seattle’s secondary is really, really solid so I don’t think Kaepernick will be able to put on the air show he did against the Packers & that will be the difference here which puts San Fran at 1-1 once it’s over.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati – Wasn’t too long ago it would’ve been laughable to say Cincinnati has an honest to goodness shot at winning this game. In looking at this game now it’s the opposite, well…maybe not the complete opposite but the shoe is definitely on the other foot.  I fully expect the Bengals to walk out of this one winners & as they work towards winning this division.

Wally’s Picks:  Green Bay, Denver, Seattle and Cincinnati

Colleen:

Washington at Green Bay – This will be an interesting test of the defense.  This week, the Packers will probably face the read option, which in fact did not happen last week.  RGIII does not look to me like the quarterback he was before Mike Shanahan tried to ruin his career in one playoff game, however he is a smart quarterback and will be driven to win since Washington lost last week. That said, the Packers only lose to the Giants when I am at Lambeau. Packers will win

Denver at New York Football Giants – Manning vs. Manning….blah blah….lots of shots of the Manning parents biting their nails…..blah blah. Who cares. Peyton will beat Peyton’s brother. Denver.

San Francisco at Seattle – It is indeed cute how this is now a ‘rivalry’ game.  Can’t stand either one of these teams, not very happy with either of their quarterbacks, either.  That said, one team is much better than the other, in my opinion, even if both coaches are what one would describe in technical terms as ‘douches’. San Francisco will win, and Petey the poodle will make excuses as to why.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati – I would usually have picked Pittsburgh in this game, the Bungles being well, the Bungles.  However, the Bengals narrowly lost to the Bears last week and Pittsburgh was apparently abysmal.  And I hate Ben Rapelessberger.  Bengals.

Colleen’s Picks: Green Bay, Denver, San Francisco, Cincinnati

Kelly:

Washington at Green Bay – I’m a homer. A complete and utter homer. But the Packers always play on a higher level after they lose a big game. They need a palate cleanser after losing in San Francisco. Pity Washington will be the sacrificial lamb. Kind of like Robert Griffin III. But he’s an NFC QB, so I don’t feel that bad. Hope that Awesome Football Players sacks him (in legal and non-dirty fashion) early and often.

Denver at New York Football Giants – Manningbowl. Bored now. Can I cheer for Cooper and whatever he is doing on Sunday? Think Eli is a little puke, and I like Peyton even less. But Peyton is a Hall of Fame quality QB and, well, Eli shares the last name. Giants do not stand a chance.

San Francisco at Seattle – Too early to trot out the whole cheer for a meteor thing? No, seriously, I really don’t like these teams. Hate their quarterbacks. Russell Wilson is a carpetbagger. And the only thing I hate even more than the QB are the megalomaniac coaches of both teams. Ugh. Puke. But I hope the Seattle secondary shreds Kaepernick. The coaches hate each other. This will be a chippy game and I’ll be cheering for a high body count. Home Field Advantage will prevail.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati – I’m sad the Steelers suck this year. Like really sad. And I think the Bengals are now the real deal. It will be ugly. And it won’t be close. Hopefully Mike Tomlin doesn’t lose his job by the end of the season.

Kelly’s Picks: Green Bay, Denver, Seattle, Pittsburgh

Rich:

Skip Bayless is the bane of my existence. I can’t watch First Take, I actively avoid him on Twitter, and any mention of the race-bating, self-described perfectionist in daily conversation leaves me fuming like Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver. That said, I’m not an analyst; me picking games closer resembles a Saturday morning cartoon than it does reason or logic. So, today I’m going to become a cartoon and do my best Skip Bayless impersonation. God, forgive me .

Washington at Green Bay – Redskins fans are foolish and narrow-sighted. They are blinded by the flashy brilliance of RG3 a season ago. I am here to tell you, it was just that: a flash in the pan. After a dismal 2013 season, Washington fans are going to sit back and think, ‘RG3 might not be that good. If we would have started Kirk Cousins, maybe we’d be deep in the playoffs right now.’ RG3 isn’t the bookworm Cousins is, who is the first one in the film room and the last one out. I know from an anonymous source, who talked to an anonymous source who read the body language of an anonymous player that this is the truth.

Aaron Rodgers is the most overhyped superstar of this NFL decade; he can’t bring his team back in the 4 th quarter, and his leadership is suspect. He’s not Brett Favre. In fact, he’s not even Doug Pederson – who was adored by his teammates. But Rodgers, no. He’s out there playing for himself. He’s lucky the defense will bail him out this week, but he won’t be lucky as the season move along.

Denver at New York Football Giants – TIM TEBOW WAS ROBBED!

San Francisco at Seattle – Colin Kaepernick’s tattoos aside, because I think they take away from his image and what he could become as a role model for kids everywhere, there is greatness in his athletic ability. His skill set features a mix of Jeff George, Tom Brady, Tim Tebow and Michael Vick. He’s SEN-SAY-TION-UHL! Again, I just wish he would have thought growing up how much the tattoos would detract from his ability to become the type of role model Tom Brady, Peyton Manning or Tim Tebow are today.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati – Ben Roethlisberger, where are you?! Are you sure you’ve recovered from that motorcycle injury? Roth-LESS-berger is playing like he still has a concussion. Up is back, down is left, and right is WRONG! The Cincinnati Bengals at home, playing in what I like to call the jail house —I’m looking at you Adam “PacMan” Jones—will take from the Steelers what Tim Tebow did in the 2012 playoffs.

[Note: I don’t believe any of what’s written above (other than the picks). Forgive me for spewing and  posting such filth.]

Rich’s picks: Green Bay, Denver, San Francisco, Cincinnati

Jay:

Washington at Green Bay – Green Bay defeats Washington.  RGIII’s bionic knee may be physically healed, but he’s more rusty than the hull of the sunken Titanic.  He doesn’t trust his knee, which causes him to throw off his back foot and to not drive the ball.  His passes will sail into the secondary.  Last week, the Packers’ secondary got torched, so they’re looking for redemption and revenge.  Expect a savvy Packers’ secondary to ball hawk and intercept the rusty RGIII.  Clay Matthews, who will probably be playing this weekend with a few less dollars in his wallet after throttling Kaeperdick last week, will be out for blood of his own.

Denver at New York Football Giants – Denver throttles the New York football Giants.  This is the Manning Bowl Part No One Cares.  Peyton is clearly Archie’s favorite son and also a better quarterback than Eli.  Eli will throw an interception-fest, which will then be followed up by pouting.  Pouty Eli is pouty.  Denver will win, despite their two best pass rushers from last year being elsewhere.  Elvis has left the building and Von Miller is doing his best impression of Maurice Clarett.  Peyton throws several touchdowns to the receiver that Bill Belichick threw out as scrap meat, Wes Welker.
San Francisco at Seattle – San Francisco will beat Seattle.  I hate both teams immensely, so talking at all about them makes me feel dirty.  I hate their quarterbacks’ new Madden campaign.  It’s weak and lacks creativity.  Also, is this the NFL or another sequel to the lame Jackass franchise?  Seriously, they’re betting eyebrows?  Protect the shield, you dillholes.  Somewhere, Roger Goodell is a sad panda.
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati – Cincinnati will beat Pittsburgh.  The Bengals are the real deal, despite looking like amateur night at the Improv last Sunday.  They will get it together.  Plus, it doesn’t hurt that Pittsburgh is an old team, where many of their veterans are retired Civil War soldiers.  Losing their starting center to injury and having to sign other retired Civil War veterans to play running back doesn’t help, either.  Dear Big Ben, try to not to assault anyone this weekend.
Jay’s Picks: Green Bay, Denver, San Franciso, Cincinnati
Thaddeus:
I learned my lesson from last week: Don’t write an opus and keep it short and sweet! I’m actually going to go the polar opposite of my prognostication length and keep it really short! Long hair, don’t care! Just like Clay Matthews mauling a quarterback two feet out of bounds for some bogus locker room cred.

Washington at Green Bay – Bounce back game for the Pack. Packers win 30-13, CM3 emulates Luis Suarez and bites RG3. #NOTDIRTY

Denver at New York Football Giants – Giants win as Peyton throws four interceptions: 35-21

San Francisco at Seattle – San Fran actually plays a team with real toughness as opposed to their competition last week that have to fabricate it. San Fran has enough quality to be top dog: 28-14

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati – The only football I care about is the football I’m going to see on Saturday afternoon in Tottenham, London. The Tottenham Hotspurs will score more points than Pittsburgh will on Monday. Cincinnati 13 – Pittsburgh 0.

Thaddeus’ Picks: Green Bay, New York, San Francisco, Cincinnati
 

Tags: ,