Pocket Doppler Prognosticators: Week One
Once again the call has been made to gather the great Pocket Doppler Prognosticators to try to outsmart, outwit and outsnark each other. But let’s face it, it’s not as simple as calling, “Avengers Assemble!” More like herding cats if you ask me. This year yet another Founding Father
weenied out retired. This year’s crack team of suckers experts will include Founding Father Wally, Angels Colleen and Kelly, Favored King of Procrastination Stepson Rich and the relatively new spanks Thaddeus and Jay.
Minnesota at Detroit – The NFC North I think will be kicking it up a notch this year so it’s very possible any game within the division this year could be a crap shoot. Minnesota though still looks to be the odd duck (grey duck?) out & most likely at the bottom of the pile once it’s all said and done. If this game was in Minnesota I’d give them a better chance of getting the win but it’s not so going with Detroit here.
Green Bay at San Francisco – Well, here we go again. Facing the team which embarrassed the Packers to end their season last year & the second year in a row opening the season against them. Green Bay was under prepared (putting it mildly) for Kaepernick in last year’s post-season but there’s been a year to put that behind them not to mention study up on the 49ers QB & the whole read option in general. Will it be enough though? I certainly hope so as I’m picking the Packers to get a measure of revenge for both last year’s opening loss & the one that ended their season.
New York Football Giants at Dallas – I have no feeling one way or the other for either of these teams this early on. They both scream ‘mediocre’ to me although both can show flashes from time to time. So without having a bona fide inkling one way for either team I’ll go with the one playing at home for now.
Philadelphia at Washington – Two things of interest in this game: 1) Chip Kelley coaching his first professional game & 2) RGIII returning from having his knee destroyed. Obviously for Packers fans this game has interest as we’ll be facing Washington next week. Washington is just the better team no matter though so I have to go with them. Of course, if Griffin should go down it’s anyone’s guess, but I’m betting he pulls an Peterson-like recovery & that won’t be an issue.
Wally’s Picks: Detroit, Green Bay, Dallas and Washington
I’d like to preface my predictions by noting that I have won the last two years (and also served as the previous editor of this post). Apparently, as a result of this, I have run off two of the three founding fathers, Chris Richards and Mike Pingel. The former gets a pass, the latter is a slacker. I expect to win handily again. (No, I don’t. I have no doubt I will suck this year. But please, football gods, don’t let Jay win. Thank you.) Oh, and to new editor Kelly, welcome to sending pitiful emails and dms asking where everyone’s contributions are. Sucker. (Seriously, thank you for taking this one on.)
Minnesota at Detroit – One of my (many) fantasy football teams is named ‘This Isn’t Detroit’ in honor of Paul Allen’s mournful wail after you know who threw yet another season ending pick….this time to ensure the Viking’s Super Bowl trophy case remained eternally empty. (At least you did better than that for us, pal.) The amount of ‘I don’t give a rat’s rip’ that I feel for this game can be summed up….well, no, it really can’t. I just don’t give a rat’s rip. That said, Detroit has Megatron and he’s on the aforesaid fantasy team. So, Detroit.
New York Football Giants at Dallas – I can now say I’ve been in Jerry World, having attended a Taylor Swift concert there in May. That place is a cavernous barn in which the only good thing that has ever happened or ever will happen is the Packers winning the Super Bowl. Tony Romo remains an ugly and not very talented punk. I hate the Giants for obvious reasons, but I’m picking them in this one. Because the Cowgirls suck as bad as the Bears and will as long as Jerry Jones owns that team.
Philadelphia at Washington – To me, this is Mike Shanahan vs. Chip Kelly. No contest. One person is responsible for John Elway actually winning a Super Bowl, which is inexcusable. The other, well, I like the Ducks.
Colleen’s Picks: Detroit, San Francisco, New York and Philadelphia
Minnesota at Detroit – How did that South Park episode go? They had the choice of voting for a douche or a turd sandwich. Detroit must be the grilled poo on rye because, well, Minnesota has Greg Jennings. Some high-paid talking head has predicted Detroit to win the NFCN. Hilarious, right? While I won’t go so far to be so bold, Detroit is no longer the whipping boy of the NFL. Cleveland is. That said, Detroit does have Megatron, a possibly rejuvenated Reggie Bush and a very stacked defense. Meanwhile the Vikings have a juggernaut of a QB that has a dazzling personality, impeccable leadership skills and vastly superior personal hygiene compared to that slacker butt they have now in Green Bay. Let me know how that works out for you, Craig.
Green Bay at San Francisco – I’m too superstitious for my own good. I should probably abstain from this pick. But I don’t want to yield points to my brother. And then there’s the fact I want Matthews and Jolly to kick the everlasting crap out of that smug little thing the Niners call a quarterback. Oh no, Harbaugh, the Packers may be MEAN to Colin. They may hurt his feelings! Honey, it’s football, not synchronized swimming. If you don’t want your quarterback steamrolled, don’t let him run with the ball. Hello, read the rules, sweetcheeks. Blah blah blah read option BORED NOW. It worked last year because it was new. Shine is off that pig now.
New York Football Giants at Dallas – Darn, I already used up my douche vs. turd sandwich joke already. Did Romo throw a pick yet? No, really, did he? America’s Team? Whatevercakes. No clue if you can spell elite with Eli. But did you know if you add a W and a Y to Elisha Nelson Manning you really can spell the word Whinyass? Trufax. As much as I love to make fun of Manning v. 2.0, he is still much better than the braintrust in Irving. And I like to watch Jerry’s empire implode. Schadenfreude, big and nasty like they expect in Texas.
Philadelphia at Washington – So is Shanahan’s experiment to see how long it takes for RGIII to leave the game in a body bag continuing this season? Even a stinking corpse of a Griffin is still better than Mike Vick. The Washington Indigenous Population looks to be a true playoff threat (provided Shanahan’s above mentioned experiment fails.) City of Brotherly Fail doesn’t stand a chance.
Kelly’s picks: Detroit, Green Bay, New York and Washington
First and foremost, I do not deserve to a part of th collective crew of diligent Pocket Doppler contributors picking games this season. I used to be very active on the PD front, then something happened (see: Graduated and moved to Milwaukee, found a writing job, left for a different writing job, and now spend every waking moment turning the blank page into something prospective clients will hopefully find insightful). Or I just got lazy—maybe a mix of the two. But after a few friends had to drop out, I was asked to, again, take on each week’s games and try my hand at prognosticating.
Before we begin, you should know a few things about me.
I like gamble. In fact, I even have a bet with my mother on how Breaking Bad will end. Loser takes the other to dinner and dessert (you’re going down, Mom). But as I am now in my mid-20s and paying an ample amount of student loans, bills, “growing up” and whatnot, I have (been forced to become) very cost-conscious. That said, I still like to make friendly wagers on sporting events every once in a while. My problem, though? I bet with my heart. I also prognosticate with my heart.
You’ve been warned.
Minnesota at Detroit – Jim Schwartz will be the first head coach fired in 2013. He’s bad, like Brad Childress bad. The Lions are a somewhat sexy pick for many this season, but not me. Each season brings new hope, but you are what you consistently do. And the Lions are consistently inconsistent, sloppy and they’ll occasionally stomp on a defenseless player’s head. Welcome to another decade of irrelevance, Detroit. And good luck with that child Brandon Jennings.
Green Bay at San Francisco – Every “expert” on ESPN’s pick ‘em page has the 49ers penciled in this week. And they should. San Francisco demolished Green Bay in the playoffs, the Packers are traveling cross-country to play on the road, and seemingly half of Green Bay’s roster is injured. But like I said, heart not head. Green Bay pulls the unlikely upset on the backs and Aaron Rodgers and whoever it is TT and MM decided would kick this year (kidding about the kicker part, obviously) By the way, did we really spend an entire preseason talking about the kicking competition and who would be our backup quarterback? Ay Dios mio… Praise the Lord the NFL regular season is here.
New York Football Giants at Dallas – Wow, there are so many fantastic games to open up the season. I’ve already picked two road dogs, and I simply can’t allow myself to do it again.
Philadelphia at Washington – White guy drunkenly and inexcusably spouts racial slur. African American teammate is still peeved and lets him know at practice via physical skirmish . And who played peacemaker following that fallout? A dog-killing criminal who admitted (ADMITTED) to drowning puppies deemed unfit to fight. The 2013 Philadelphia Eagles, everyone. Washington, handidly
Rich’s Picks: Minnesota, Green Bay, Dallas and Washington
Minnesota at Detroit – Detroit steamrolls Minnesota. Megatron has a megaday. Greggles wants Ponder to take more blame for running bad routes.
Green Bay at San Francisco – San Fran dismantles the Packers. Aldon Smith is too much for the young tackles to handle. Eddie Lacy fights gallantly, and the Packers do much better at stopping the zone read, but Kaepernick is still too much. Although, Packers show they clearly do not miss Erik Walden.
New York Football Giants at Dallas – Dallas beats NYG. Eli throws 900 interceptions, but Romo manages to throw 800 himself. That’s enough for the talented, but underachieving, Cowboys to beat the rebuilding Giants.
Philadelphia at Washington – Washington beats Philly. RGIII’s bionic knee allows him to run faster and jump higher than the old and crumbling Vick. Philly shows a lot of potential with their new offense, but the over-tanned Shanahan has the perfect game plan for RGIII. Practice? Who needs practice? (Ask Allen Iverson about practice).
Jay’s picks: Detroit, San Francisco, Dallas and Washington
I’m not sure why mama Kelly wanted me to start contributing these. It’s really cramping my procrastination style. I’ve also thought I’ve made it well known that I’m not terribly keen on football in general and I really only have a laser focus on the Green Bay Packers. Every other team could get bent for all I care. It doesn’t help that I’m writing this on no sleep on a trans-Atlantic flight, two gin & tonics short of being a happy lad. So I’m going to make these predictions and not actually know what happens because I won’t see most of these games. Let’s get started though!
Minnesota at Detroit – I honestly think the NFC North is going to be a slug fest. I can see any of the 4 teams winning the division depending on injuries, streaks and how they perform in divisional matchups. I don’t know much about Detroit’s offseason but their defense (excluding the defensive line) need major upgrades which I didn’t see happening. Minnesota looks good after their draft and free agency. If they weren’t such purple nuisances, one could find themselves liking this team. But screw them, screw their stadium and screw whatever illegal substances their Purple Jesus took!
Green Bay at San Francisco – I don’t want to be biased and I so desperately want to believe the Packers will win this road game, but they’ve been chirping all offseason about getting more physical and learning to defend the option-read. Either you are physical or you’re not. Either you learned how to defend the option or you didn’t. No need to constantly talk about it. Green Bay sounds like a guy at a club boasting about how he has an expensive car…but it’s not here that night because it’s in the shop. Right. So the Green Bay defense isn’t winning this tough away game but there’s a small possibility that the revamped and newly diversified Green Bay offense can snatch a victory. Green Bay’s best defense is keeping their offense on the field. If Green Bay can get their two rookie running backs to pick up good yardage and Aaron Rodgers plays a patient game, the Packers have a chance. @JaggdlittlePhil and I are going to a local watering hole in London to watch this game so I’m going to be super pissed staying up ’til 1 in the morning on a Sunday if the Packers don’t win.
New York Football Giants at Dallas – If I could articulate how apathetic this game makes me feel…I could complete this sentence. Giants fans are the worse. Living in New York City and watching Giants fans complain about their team is less exciting than listening to a cute girl complain about how she gained 3 pounds. I hate the Giants, I hate that they have New York in their name and they play and practice in the most remote area of New Jersey you could think of. Is teasing Tony Romo still a thing? I can’t get it up.
Philadelphia at Washington: Honestly, can the entire NFC East just fall off a cliff? They’re all just the same team to me. I bet each of their hick quarterbacks would love nothing more than wrestling a pig in some back water mud pit. I wouldn’t watch this game if you paid me and even though I have a few fantasy players on both teams, I’d rather save the three hours of my life watching this poor excuse of a rivalry. Here’s an unpopular opinion: Leave Riley Cooper alone! Football players feigning outrage at Cooper are hypocrites, just shut up and play your position. And don’t tear a ligament.
Thaddeus’ picks: Detroit, Green Bay, New York, Washington