Another “If I Based My Franchise Around” and Other Fantasy Inanities Post
With breaking news of Ryan Braun’s suspension angering Brewers fans, and Greg Jennings once again being an all-around moron with his “structure” and “cookie-cutter” comments, Wisconsin fans are incensed. That’s no way to go into training camp, which starts this week. I thought we could use a little humor around here today.
This post is inspired by all of those “who would you start your franchise around” discussions floating everywhere on all sports networks and many webpages. I don’t know about you, but that’s not very creative. Of course you’d choose Tom Brady, Aaron Rodgers, or Peyton Manning over Blake Gabbert. No real genius there, right?
So, if I could have any football team I wanted, then this would be it. Enjoy.
Owner: The Most Interesting Man in the World . Hell, if he can teach a German Shepard to bark in Spanish, then this is the guy I want writing the checks. And, if he really did parallel park a train, he can avoid the train wrecks that plague Jerry Jones in Dallas.
General Manager: Gordon Gekko . Greed is good, and Ted Thompson’s got nothing on this guy. I need a general manager who greedily accumulates draft picks and makes trades to crush the competition.
Salary Cap Manager: Grumpy Cat . My type of cynic.
Head Coach: Obi-Wan Kenobi . This guy can use his force mind trick to control weak-minded players. Play-action fake? This is not the ball you’re looking for. Plus, we know he’s not beyond seppuku if that’s what it takes to turn around a struggling season.
Defensive Coordinator: Darth Vader . If Buddy Ryan can punch his offensive coordinator, I’m really looking forward to Darth Vader force choking whoever he wants, whenever he wants. Also, isn’t there something about Obi Wan training Darth Vader? So, it makes sense Vader is the subordinate here. I just need to worry about 2-meter holes in the defense.
Offensive Coordinator: Tyrion Lannister . It’s a passing league these days, so he can rain fire on opposing defenses all day.
Quarterback: Predator . Who better than the Predator? His thermal vision would be nice during Chicago fog, Green Bay blizzards, and Super Bowls when the power mysteriously goes out.
Running Back 1: Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson . Just click the damn link.
Running Back 2: Billy the Kid . Good running backs need to play low, and Billy certainly was short. He must also elude those trying to capture him. Plus, a little bit of legend never hurts, either. Finally, no worries about him breaking down once he hits 30 years old; his contract will expire much before then.
Wide Receiver: 7-Eleven . That dude is always open.
Slot Receiver: Rocky Balboa . Everyone loves the undersized underdogs. Slot receivers are of that build.
Tight end: Tyler Durden from Fight Club . I need a tough S.O.B. who can block, but yet run free over the middle.
Right Tackle: Bibendum, the Michelin Man . This dude takes road grading to a new level. Plus, he’s fat and nimble.
Guard: Secretariat . Bill Parcells once called Hall of Fame guard Larry Allen “Secretariat. ” Therefore, I want the real Secretariat on my team.
Center: Hamilton “Ham” Porter from The Sandlot . Fat, athletic, fearless, and awesome.
Defensive End: Sasquatch . Think J. J. Watt is good at batting down passes? He’s got nothing on this 8-foot monster.
Defensive Tackle: Early Cuyler from Squidbillies . Destroys everything he touches. Slippery and elusive. His eight arms and two tentacles are perfect for a two-gap defensive line scheme. Downside is he will probably face an arson, battery, or sexual harassment charge before the season ends.
Nose Tackle: Gimli . Don’t let his dwarf heredity trick you. He’s tough as hell. I want him anchoring my D-line.
Middle Linebacker: Chuck Norris . His two fists of fury will bring the Jack Lambert rage to the linebacker position, which every team needs. Death once had a Near-Chuck Norris experience.
Safety: Magua from Last of the Mohicans . This guy will literally kill anyone who crosses him over the middle.
Cornerback: Shaft . Is there a better lock-down corner out there? Methinks not.
Kicker: Charlie Brown . He’s bound to get the next one, right? Can’t be any worse than the 2012 version of Mason Crosby.
All photos were copied from Wikipedia Commons and are free to copy and use.