Disclaimer: this is meant as a joke. I do not endorse the use of alcohol. Only drink responsibly and legally. I am not responsible for any injury or death due to drinking, reading this article, or playing this game. In fact, this is not really a drinking game at all. It’s a satire about sports reporters repeating their same story lines. Enjoy responsibly with a glass of milk. Pocket Doppler is not responsible for what you do in your life. 

Training camp is a mere ten days away. We can smell it in the air and almost taste it. Right now, hope floats eternal because everyone is undefeated and team rosters are full of new, promising faces. Yes, this is one of my favorite times of year. It’s like Christmas in July, sans eggnog.

This is also the time of year when we hear the same story lines ad nauseum . It seems some sports writers grasp on to the same story and tell it over and over, as if it’s the first time we’ve ever heard it. The same stories appear in all the papers and on all the news broadcasts. Child, please. We are educated fans. We know our team. We want some fresh insight. We see your story and raise you a glass of our beverage of choice, which is obviously non-alcoholic.

There are a few compelling stories in the upcoming Packers training camp. Those include the battle to start at right tackle, the competition to start at safety opposite Morgan Burnett, the development of Evan Dietrich-Smith, and the comeback of Johnny Jolly. Unfortunately, most of what we will read will just insult our intelligence. We’ve heard it all before at least a bamillion times. We know what we need to pay attention to. So, let’s make a game out of it. Get your 2% ready.

Every time a sports reporter writes, or a commentator says, any of the following, complete the associated task:

One Drink

  • The “new” and “improved” running game
  • The defense being ranked #11 overall in 2012
  • The defense being ranked #32 overall in 2011
  • Stopping Adrian Peterson running for a brazilian yards against the Packers
  • Anything about poor tackling
  • Aaron Rodgers’ new contract
  • Aaron Rodgers being ranked #6 on the NFL Top 100 List
  • Any ranking of Aaron Rodgers anywhere
  • Aaron Rodgers being sacked 51 times in 2012
  • Aaron Rodgers hanging on to the ball too long
  • Aaron Rodgers’ brain and concussions
  • Anything about Aaron Rodgers’ backup
  • Aaron Rodgers waiting in the green room for 18 days without food, water, or shelter during the draft
  • Any mention of Brett Favre

Two Drinks

  • Eddie Lacy’s toe
  • Tramon Williams’ nerve damage
  • Davon House’s shoulder
  • Derek Sherrod’s leg
  • Alex Green’s knee
  • James Starks being a glass joe
  • Clay Matthews’ hamstrings
  • Bryan Bulaga’s hip
  • Andrew Quarless’ knee
  • Terrell Manning’s parasite
  • DuJuan Harris’ lung cyst
  • Sean Richardson’s neck
  • Desmond Bishop’s hamstring now playing in Minneapolis
  • Seeing Brett Favre in a Vikings jersey

Three Drinks

  • Offensive line musical chairs
  • Not having a 100-yard rusher since Super Bowl II
  • Not having a 1000-yard rusher since 1919
  • Josh Sitton being “the leader” of the line
  • The looming Week 1 game against the 49ers
  • B.J. Raji’s “contract year”
  • Sam Shields’ “contract year”
  • Mason Crosby missing a field goal attempt from 30 or more yards
  • Taking Randall Cobb off of kick return duties
  • Ted Thompson’s “draft and develop” strategy
  • Ted Thompson’s personnel staff being raided each year
  • Winston Moss being a “hot” head coaching candidate yet again
  • Greg Jennings taking less money to play in Minnesota
  • Reading/hearing a Brett Favre interview

Four Drinks

  • How the defensive coaching staff went to Texas A&M to learn how to defend the zone read
  • How the defense is placing more emphasis on generating fumbles
  • Anything to do with Jermichael Finley’s mouth
  • Anything about “since Nick Collins”
  • Bryan Bulaga’s “short” arms, as if he’s T. rex or something
  • Mason Crosby missing a field goal attempt from less than 30 yards
  • Evan Dietrich-Smith getting stomped on by Ndamukong Suh
  • Clay Matthews playing with a broken leg, in the snow, up hill both ways, without shoes
  • Mike McCarthy changing his practice schedule yet once again
  • Anything to do with the average age of the Packers roster
  • Brett Favre saying something nice about the Packers

Chug

  • 181
  • 579
  • 4th and 26
  • Hearing “pad level” mentioned yet again
  • Hearing “communication breakdown” mentioned yet again
  • Hearing “taking poor angles” mentioned yet again
  • “Fail Mary”
  • Mason Crosby missing an extra point attempt
  • Aaron Rodgers and Brett Favre “making up”
  • Any mention of jersey #4 being retired

Ok, now you can get through training camp a little more sane. And sober, of course. With a nice dose of calcium.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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