Pocket Doppler Prognosticators – Week 15
Each week last season, the 3 Founding Fathers of Pocket Doppler (Wally, Harland O. Dog & Chris Richards), Senior Angel Colleen and favored stepson Rich would square off in picking the winner of the Packers, Sunday night & MNF games in an attempt to prove their football acumen and entertain. We’re going to make another valiant attempt at it this year. Unfortunately Chris had to bow out for this season (or happily escaped, take your pick) so Angel Kelly has joined the team. Like always, we’ll keep a running tally throughout the season.
Welcome to this week’s edition of the Pocket Doppler Prognosticators. Entering into Week 15 the current standings are:
Harland O. Dog: 29
Well, we’re back in a three way tie, with Kelly and Wally having missed a game last week. Two of the games this week are pretty hard to pick, in one case because the teams are so good, and in the other case because the teams are so bad. The Packers game, of course, should be obvious. The Bears STILL suck.
Harland O. Dog
(Since I’ve already far exceeded my writing quota for the week, this week’s picks will be brief and to the point.)
Packers @ Bears – This just in…..the Bears still suck. And even worse without Urlacher in the middle. Packers clinch the division and send Lovie running off to rejoin Thurston Howell III. Oh….and Brandon Marshall’s an idiot.
49ers @ Patriots – This year’s version of the ‘Game of the Century’. Last week I warned that S.F. coach Jim Harbaugh’s management of his QB situation would cost him down the road. This is the week that road turns against him as his inexperienced signal caller gets exposed in Foxboro.
Jets @ Titans – Of course, after the promise of Sunday night’s game, it’s back to the dregs come Monday. Seriously, who gives a rat’s ass?
Harland O. Dog’s picks: Packers, Patriots, & Titans
Packers @ Bears – Nothing less than the NFC North is on the line when the Packers travel South to Soldier Field on Sunday. The Bears have been on a skid of late but I fully expect them to be up for this game. It seems any North Division game is a dog fight, I mean just look at what happened last weekend against the Lions early on. As I wrote earlier this week in one of the Daybreak Dopplers, even with Urlacher out the Bears defense is pretty tough & their Cover 2 always seems to give the Packers fits. The Packers however are getting healthier & this game should mark the return of Clay Matthews to the line-up, who I expect to return with a vengeance and put Cutler on his backside at least twice. Once it’s all over around 3:15 or so on Sunday, the Packers will have clinched the division.
49ers @ Patriots – The Patriots put a whooping on the Texans last Monday night, something I obviously didn’t see coming as I picked the Texans to win. I don’t think I’ll make that mistake again, especially the 49ers having to traverse the country to play at New England on Sunday night. I see another double digit win for Tom Brady & Company in this game.
Jets @ Titans – Be honest, is anyone even going to watch this game who isn’t from New York or Tennessee? I mean really, the only reason to tune in would be for comic relief & seeing how Gruden & Tirico try to make the game seem exciting when they most likely don’t even want to be there. Still have to make a pick here though so I guess I’ll go with the Titans. No real reason why though, I just asked my Magic Eight Ball app & it said to go with the home team.
Wally’s Picks: Packers, Patriots & Titans
Packers @ Bears - Packer have Aaron Rodgers and the Bears have a whinysack made of glass. Like there is a comparison? Of course I’m hoping the Packers troll to the nth degree and send Finley and Jennings out as team captains just to poke with the Midgets of the Midway. Too many jokes, not enough time. But all kidding aside, this is the ultimate NFL rivalry that predates all others. Except a chippy game because, well, they hate each other. Rodgers will soar. Cutler will listen to his iPod. Brandon Marshall will hopefully be looking as good as the time he careened into a television and tried to sever his arm. Bottom line, the Packers stars are starting align and Bears are starting to fall apart. Perfect timing if you ask me.
49ers @ Patriots – Alas, the Patriots are coming together too. And I guess I want the Niners to lose because it will help the Packers’ positioning in the playoffs. But I really, truly can’t stand the Patriots. But comparing Brady to Kaepernick is lick comparing apples to oranges. But on the upside, I think the Niners are beatable in the playoffs. That said I wouldn’t mind being proven wrong this week. Unfortunately I don’t see that happening.
Jets @ Titans – Why was this game picked? Seriously, does anyone care? Are they still in the league? Oh wait, this is the Monday night game? Talk about epic fail on the part of the schedulers. The only MNF game that had negative ratings. Think I will watch some made for tv Christmas movie that night, or maybe clean my basement.
Kelly’s Picks: Packers, Patriots, Jets
Packers @ Bears – Apparently, Jay Cutty is going to man up and play this week, despite having sustained a strained MCL and a neck injury. While I have to say this does give the Bears a better chance than Jason Campbell, I’ll be surprised if that big baby makes it through the game (and he’s probably dumb to be playing with these injuries anyway) and Brandon Marshall will have to take his little Christmas tree and shove it in a certain orafice. The Packers are starting to get healthier and hopefully CM3 will provide the much needed pass rush. The Bears may not be dead yet, but they’re going to get knocked out and put on the cart this week.
49ers @ Patriots – This one is hard for me, and not because of ‘my guy’ remaining at starting quarterback. I want the 49ers to lose so the Packers get the #2 seed, but my hatred for the Patriots and Tommy Bieber is well documented. It is possible that Gisele might be watching the game in person this week and if so, I want to see her pout like a two year old and yell at fans after the game. I’ll have to pick the Pats, mostly because they’re at home. Hopefully Colin continues to perform, even in a loss. (Have I pointed out that Boise State University has never had a QB start in the NFL?)
Jets @ Titans – This will be a hot mess of a game. Another Monday night matchup that sucks. Who comes up with these matchups each year? When I was a young pup, these games were generally pretty good. Now, it’s very rare that I’m willing to put up with ‘that guy’ to watch a game because they’re either not competitive or, in the case of this game, painful to watch because both teams stink. This really is a matter of whoever sucks least will win, and that’s hard to say. However, despite the guy below is someone I would have gone for back in 1994, mullet and all, the year of the photo, he’s a horrible looking jerk now, so I’m picking the Titans. Mostly because they’re at home, actually.
Colleen’s Picks: Packers, Patriots & Titans
Packers @ Bears – I would like to introduce to you all the Hate Crush. The hate crush, as I’ve come to call it, is a form of dislike that exceeds natural hatred to the point of an obsession. Take for example, my disdain for Skip Bayless. Skip Bayless’ baselessness is so apparent, so unobtrusively ignorant that much of the sporting world can’t help but verbalize how awful he really is. However, this hate crush sickness leads us to continue talking about Bayless. No matter what the topic, no matter who he insinuates may be attracted to the same sex (See: Troy Aikman), and no matter how asinine the verbal garbage that comes out of his mouth really is, we still watch…we still listen.
Proudly, I am Bayless and First Take free for almost two months. The second a headline pops up, however, relating to Skip Bayless and some “take” of his, I’m the first to vocalize my disdain. We all have hate crushes, whether they be for Rob Parker, Skip Bayless, Lynn Hoppes, Jeff Suppan, the entire Bears roster, or the lone film critic that rated Toy Story 3 something other than a 100% (you know who you are, you filth).
My hate crushing has extended to Jay Cutler, as Mike Pingel or anyone who has seen my previous work with PocketDoppler (e.g., Mr. Jay Cutler, I Like the Sound of That and Keeping Up with the Cutlers) can tell you. Heck, I even wrote a 20-page rhetoric paper in college discussing Jay Cutler and how Twitter demolished any chance of a him having legacy during the 2011 NFC Championship (it’s published on this site somewhere). Why do I crush on Cutler so hard? I don’t know. But it’s grown and grown to the point where I actually turn green, rip off my shirt, and quadruple in size before taking to Twitter with 140 characters of rage every, single time the guy speaks publicly or throws his hands up during a game or smiles or poses on GQ or shops on Rodeo Drive a week after sitting out with a knee injury or takes a breathe… I can’t explain it, and I’m done trying to. Point is, Jay Cutler – I don’t like you. I don’t like you so much that I’ve finally reached the point where I can admit it: I have a crush on you, a full-blown hate crush. The first step is admitting the problem. The second, however, is embracing it.
49ers @ Patriots – I almost felt bad for Alex Smith the other day, almost. I then realized, however, that the former number-one draft pick’s off-days are filled with champagne baths, heated toilet seats, Brazilian models, and hot tubs larger than my condo. Poor guy, it must be just awful having to sit on the bench until your next multi-million dollar contract.
Jets @ Titans – While perusing the internet a day or two ago, I came across Yahoo’s Hot Topics/Trending list. This list consists of some of the most widely read, discussed and searched for stories of the day. On this day, the gathering of stories was particularly uninteresting, awful and downright disturbing. Basically, just another run-of-the-mill news day in America. That said, I would rather spend three hours of my Monday night tracking these topics (below) than, for a minute, tune into Jets at Titans (#ButtFumble).
-Roommate killed over pork chop
-Triplets all in jail
-Dad carves pentagram on son
-Justin Bieber murder plot
-Lindsay Lohan probation revoked
Rich’s picks: Packers, Patriots, Jets