There was a time, not far gone, when life was simple for NFL quarterback Jay Cutler. He had nothing (diabetes not withstanding) to worry about except for slinging footballs, trying to win winning games, and occasionally posing for GQ . Today, however, Jay Cutler is a husband-to-be and almost a father. Wait, what? Yes, the chubby-cheeked-binge-drinking-model-dating-playoff-Mr.-Poutyface has stared impossibility in the eyes and not only found his soul mate, but procreated as well!

That, my friends, is the basis of E!.0′s new basic cable reality show, Getting Down With the Cutlers . Hollywood finally heard my plea and is bringing the Cutler family to the our living rooms!

(Cue new version the “Superbowl Shuffle” with Cutler doing the Cat Daddy .)

Following the memorable playoff debacle a couple years back, the Chicago Bears have been, well, sporadic. Currently, things seem to be looking up at the Green Bay Packers . Brandon Marshall is in town, Matt Forte is finally happy (see: 32 million reasons), Brian Urlacher is done dating porn stars – okay, she doesn’t  do porn, just texts nude pictures to her son’s dentist – and the Bears have, according to wide receiver Earl Bennett , “the best quarterback in the NFL.” Better than Aaron Rodgers? “Of course,” he squeaked.

Forget Hard Knocks, season one of All Eyes on Jay is ripe to break records.

“I always wanted kids, but I always thought I would have kids later on in life, maybe when I turn 30,” 25-year-old fiance and mother-to-be Kristin Cavallari gushed. “I really wanted to focus on my career, but you meet the right person and your whole world changes. You can’t really plan these things.”

You really can’t.

It hasn’t always been smooth sailing for Cutleri: The two briefly called off their engagement in July 2011, only to reconcile in November of the same year. Now, she’s busy planning a birth and a wedding, right?

“Yes and no. We’re talking about the possibility of having another kid right away and then getting married so we can have two kids close in age,” Cavallari said. “We want four kids, so we’re thinking maybe have one more, then get married, then have two more. But we’ll see. It all depends on how the first one goes.”

Easy, Cromartie.

Despite concerns of a less-than-stellar debut, with most hits coming from Cutler’s DVR, producer Brian Dunkleman expects this season to ‘ sprain your knee [blow your mind] .’

Story lines are set to include: K-Cav getting puffy with child , Cutler singing Take Me Out to the Ballgame at Wrigley, Cutler’s reaction to Matt Forte’s contract issues, Cutler’s reaction to the Bear’s draft class, Cutler’s reaction to the Bear’s offseason moves, Cutler’s reaction to Greg Jenning’s reaction to the Detroit Lions reaction to Greg Jenning’s concern over their mental toughness in light of ample arrests , the preseason playoff push, the inevitable collapse, finally a glimpse of the ceiling mirror(!), the birth, the sugar free wedding – OH goodness, what a wedding it will be – and even a dinner party featuring Brandon Marshall and spouse! Unfortunately, she is required by law to eat with her hands .

Until recently, the gender of Cutler’s baby-to-be was a well kept secret. However, the aforementioned Mr. Bennett spilled the beans on a local radio show in May. “He’s having a boy,” Bennett told the Boers & Bernstein sports radio show in Chicago . “I am excited for Jay. It’s a great time.”

How does Cavallari feel about this news?

“I think every guy wants a guy to carry on the name,” the un-retired reality star recently said (Via People) . “But he doesn’t care. I just want to have a healthy baby.”

The former Vanderbilt star also responded to inquiries about the sex of his unborn child like only a man of his girth worldly experience and maturity knows how: He provided some no-name paparozzo with a payday his unborn child with a future life lesson on how to handle the media .

Goodness, this 32-episode season is going to be incredible.

Training Camp is nearly upon us and, subsequently, so is the glorious return of the NFL season. As gameday nears, all else takes a backseat. However, on those lonely Tuesday nights, when there is nothing on but Sister Wives or Dancing With Wild Animals , check your local listings for Cutler & Company and prepare for a whirlwind of inspiration, true love, and blank, emotionless stares.

 

Word has it, though, as K-Cav has grown in girth so too has her impatience… (And now, the long awaited season preview)

(SPOILER ALERT!)

“Honey, I’m home.”

“Take out the garbage”

“But my knee, it’s…”

“**** your knee! Everyone knows you can’t act.”

[Looks into camera sheepishly as cheeks grow red; scene fades to black]

God knows a 4-12 season sure isn’t going to help.

 

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  • Colleen

    Okay, I half forgive you for going to Alaska now instead of meeting me. Half.

  • Anita

    No. Seriously. This is a joke, right? Not even that bastion of shallow, empty headed, Hollywood morons, that is the hallmark of programming at E!, would put these two on TV, right?

    I’m at a loss.

    • http://Twitter.com/richwardjr Rich Ward

      Sadly, yes…just a joke. While Seacrest basically owns E!, that Dunkleman fella was the season 1 American Idol co-host who decided to take his talents elsewhere (ie. he’s stupid), which would explain why he might back a show like this. My Cutler obsession (see Mike’s comment) is well documented yet completely inexplicable.

  • http://www.pocketdoppler.com BigSnakeMan

    I have so missed the fruits of your ‘Cutler obsession’.

    • http://Twitter.com/richwardjr Rich Ward

      I miss PD and the joy of writing…

  • http://pocketdoppler.com Kelly

    Holy cow, Rich still exists!

    *twirls*