CHICKS DIG SCARS: DWTS: The FINALS!
Welcome to the FINALS! Congrats to Donald and Peta for making it to the end, and great job of voting, Packer fans! For you grump-ass sports purists, I’m sure you’re relieved to know that this will be the LAST Dancing with the Stars update on this sports blog (unless he wins and we have to recap a parade, or something). Even if this show isn’t your thing, it has made the off-season a bit more tolerable, especially considering that baseball season has turned out to be a craptacular disappointment (so far) for most of us reading this blog (some more than others…cough, cough….Cubs fans).
So, for one last time, here is your Girly Fluff and Filler for the week!
Before we begin, did you know that Aretha-freaking-Franklin sent Donald flowers last week? ARETHA. FRANKLIN. The Queen of Soul.
Also, my apologies for not adding video to last week’s update. I simply forgot. I have remedied the situation if you want to view Donald and Peta’s semi-final Waltz and Samba once again.
Round One, Judges Pick:
William and Cheryl, Cha-Cha-Cha. (30/30): The Chosen One dances first. I got a $20 that says he gets 30 points on this, judging from the puddles of drool left on the judge’s table. Well, what do you know? I was right. Cheryl: nice dress!
Katherine and Mark, Paso Doble. (30/30): Good dance, technically strong, but why do they kinda bore me? She’s pretty and sweet and nice, but they seem robotic. Maybe it’s a lack of chemistry between the two. They make all the right moves, but don’t seem to “connect.” I honestly can’t remember their routines after the show ends.
Donald and Peta, Argentine Tango (29/30): Let’s let Twitter write this critique:
Chris, a.k.a. @OlBagofDonuts: If you’re asked about Peta’s dress, fellas, repeat after me: I plead the fifth. I plead the fifth.
Anita (me), a.k.a @Chezhdchick: I believe she purchased it at the House of Double Sided Tape and Dental Floss.
Kelly, a.k.a @Ceallaigh_k: A 10 to Peta’s costumer for dressing her half in blue sparklies, the other half in buttstick.
Peta’s Tango costume was….well, let’s just say that it was missing quite a bit of material. See what you’re missing, guys-who-refuse-to-watch?
Kelly, a.k.a @Ceallaigh_k: Dear Len, please accept this chainsaw as a token of my utmost respect and kindly shove it up your arse.
Len gave them a “9.” You’re shocked, I know.
Yeah, they’re totally “doing it.”
Round Two, Free Style:
William and Cheryl (29/30): They dry humped. Seriously. There was a move in the middle of that Salsa-Samba-Tango-Hybrid that can only be described as bumping and grinding, and it was predictable, which Len SHOCKINGLY called them out for, much to Carrie Ann and Bruno’s protests. It’s obvious that William Zoolander can do this type of dance. I guess you could call it playing to William’s strengths, but yeah, when you play it safe, you take the risk of boring your audience. I do not remember William and Cheryl NOT doing Latin themed dances. They HAD to, right? It sure didn’t seem like it, and by doing ANOTHER one in freestyle, just seemed like more of the same. Oh, it was hot, and there was plenty of booty action and Cheryl grinding against him, but it just kinda blended into all their other dances. It didn’t stand out. The Freestyle should stand out.
I’m no prude, but the dry hump move was really over the top and unnecessary. I have Boogie Nights saved on my DVR. I don’t need to see those moves on DWTS, too.
Katherine and Mark ( 30/30): It was a really cute jive/lindy/Charleston type of dance, but it kinda lost steam. I wanted to like it more than Willy’s Freestyle, but I think Katherine and Mark may have been TOO ambitious, because they got tired. The second half of the routine seemed to lack the energy and crispness of the first half, and the entrance in and out of the lifts was sloppy. No matter. The judges didn’t notice. They got a 30, which was a little baffling, because it wasn’t perfect at the end.
Donald and Peta (30/30): Yes, you read that correctly. Len FINALLY gave it up. While you may think Katherine is a better technical dancer, and William can shake his ass better, both of the other couples played to their strengths in the Freestyle, something that Donald, himself, called during the practice footage! He’s a smart man. He knew that William would come out and do Latin, and Katherine would come out and do ballroom. They were very good, but you expected that from them. They played it safe. Donald and Peta came out in Green and Gold COWBOY OUTFITS. It looked like the Packer Pro Shop meets Urban Cowboy, with a little Blazing Saddles tossed in. I gotta be honest, I was a little frightened. They went entirely out of the box and took a HUGE chance by doing a country routine. Cowboy Troy sang on stage. The song was something about playing chicken. But, it WORKED and it was awesome! Donald whipped poor Peta around (and unfortunately bloodied her mouth during practice) like a rag doll. It could have been an embarrassing disaster of Marie Osmond-esque proportions (you had to have seen it, to realize how truly BAD her doll-themed freestyle was five years ago) if they didn’t hit everything perfectly. Basically, Donald and Peta knew that the judges scores would go against them, and they had to do something crazy to be noticed over the other two couples. Mission accomplished!
And extra points for the bedazzled cheeseheads on the Driver family cheering section! Even the stage lighting was green and gold. It was like Jay Cutler’s tackiest nightmare.
Comments from the Twitter peanut gallery:
One more dance tonight for judge’s points only. Here’s where the manipulation could come in. If Donald hammered the other two in fan voting, expect the judge’s to make up for it with scores tonight, as in slamming him, to boost Willy and Kat. Unless, of course, it’s no use, and Packer fans swamped the voting lines. Sooner or later, even Bruno’s Woody for Willy may have to admit defeat! Let’s hope that this is the case!
Best part of Finale Results Night tonight? All the others come back to dance! Gavin and Gladys! Yay!
Keep your fingers crossed, Packer Nation. We’ve done well so far! No matter what happens tonight, Quickie did us all proud! He’s OUR champion (I’m looking at you, Ted Thompson)!
Dear Aaron. Sorry that this conflicts with your MACC fund event tonight! Please don’t be insulted if people keep checking their smart phones to see who won a girly dancing show!
THE NEW CHAMPION OF DANCING WITH THE STARS IS:
DONALD AND PETA!!!!!!!!