CHICKS DIG SCARS: DWTS Week Five. Latin Week. Ay, Papi!
It is Latin Week and Carlos Santana is in the Ballroom! Me encanta! It would have been nice to use them for all the music for the evening. They certainly have the song catalog. I mean, you have freakin’ Santana and you don’t use them for ALL the dances?! It was like listening and jamming to great music that came to a screeching, cringeworthy halt whenever the house band started up!
I guess I understand. You’re supposed to pay attention to the dance, not Carlos.
Sorry for the delay, today. Usually I type out a draft right after the show and save it to proof read and post the next day. But, I was nursing a pissy funk after seeing Len hold up that “8″ paddle last night.I wasn’t in the mood to be even the slightest bit humorous. In fact, I was quite humorless. I still might be.
Len gave that dance an EIGHT. I would have accepted a nine, but an EIGHT? Are you kidding me? What a buzzkill right after Carrie Ann gave Donald and Peta their first “10″ of the competition. Oh, and Quickie was none too pleased. Always the competitor.
1. Jaleel & Kym (Samba) 24/30: Not a bad dance, but I just can’t get past the smarm factor when it comes to this guy. And I think Kym is barely tolerating him at this point. As they were taking their bows, he wrapped his arm around her and grabbed her butt instead of her side. Probably an accident, but the camera angle definitely showed Kym grabbing his hand and forcibly removing it from her ass. Hah! I wouldn’t be disappointed if he went home this week. At all.
2. Melissa & Maks (Salsa) 21/30: She tried. It was kinda stiff. Melissa is just one of those people that isn’t real graceful or fluid when she dances. When she shook her shimmy in front of Maks, he grimaced and called her “Grandma.” Wow. That’s a good way to get her to loosen up, dude. What does he expect? This is someone who spent most of her life covered from head to toe in long calico dresses and sun bonnets. The Duggars and their “modesty” swimwear show more skin than Melissa and the rest of the Little House cast ever did!
3. Maria & Derek (Salsa) 27/30: We open with another injury to Maria. This is becoming a weekly event. I can just see what’s going to happen next week: Maria is in traction and they wheel the hospital bed to the center of the dance floor, so Derek can gyrate, thrust and dry hump the mattress. The judges, always willing to give Golden Boy a pass on everything, score them with straight nines and gush over Maria’s bravery. I’m only half kidding.
The dance was pleasant, but was missing something. They were stiff, possibly due to Maria’s mounting injuries. She didn’t make any big mistakes that I saw, but she looked like she was just walking through the steps. There was no energy and giving them straight nines was ridiculous. Eights would have been more appropriate, but go figure. Derek Hough is her partner. He’s always been given the benefit of the judge’s doubt.
Creepy moment of the night - When the camera cut to Maria’s father, enthusiastically applauding as Bruno stated his desire to join Maria and Derek in a 3-way. Something tells me that Pops never heard what Bruno said.
4. Katherine & Mark (Argentine Tango) 29/30: This dance was technically sharp and very well executed, but to me, lacked chemistry and passion. I want to see a tango that is like sex on a stick, and these two were dressed….in pink? Mark tends to use props to try to tell a story with his dances. I don’t need that. Just come out and dance. The judges, of course, loved it. I’d agree with the nine, but the two tens were a bit generous.
I did giggle at the practice footage of Katherine kicking Mark in the “naughty bits,” TWICE. Because, I’m twelve.
5. Gavin & Karina (Samba) 19/30: Haha. I like Gavin. His dancing leaves a lot to be desired, but he really is a good guy who knows he’s living on borrowed time on this show. Every time the judges kicked him after that bouncy and somewhat bizarre samba, he shrugged it off with a laugh and a big smile. He wasn’t disrespectful. He just didn’t give a shit and went with it. Unfortunately, with the new ‘dance off” determining who goes home, if he hits the bottom two, he’s gone. Which is a shame, because there’s a certain smarmy ass clown above who needs to be gone, ASAP.
6. William & Cheryl (Argentine Tango) 29/30: At least he didn’t drop her this time. I knew this dance would be good, because, as William said himself, “I don’t want to be the Latin guy who gets sent home during Latin Week,” and Cheryl always choreographs good tangos. The screaming Bieberettes in the audience seem to have toned it down, a little, which is always a good thing. But, of course, the two “10′s” that he received from the judges tells me that there are still those who can’t stop scoring him with their naughty bits (thank you, Katherine).
And judging from his face on the cover of my People magazine this week, the DWTS publicity monkeys are pimping him as hard as ever. It’s such an unfair advantage.
7. Gladys & Tristan (Samba) 22/30: Gladys is so ding dang cute, and since next week is Motown Week, you KNOW they’re not sending her home, even if she did get the second lowest score of the night, coming in just above Gavin. I don’t think she’ll last too much longer, but you can tell that Tristan respects her and lets her shine. And his Irish brogue is to die for. So, yes, let’s keep them around awhile longer.
8. Roshon & Chelsie (Salsa) 26/30: Oh, is he still around? Seriously. I still have NO IDEA WHO HE IS. Nor do I care. Their samba was bouncy and fun, and his technique was good, but he’s still a bit spastic for me and I think a lot of it is because of his age. He’s a kid who has a bunch of bottled up energy and, when guys his age are scrutinized, they tend to dork around to deflect tension.
9. Donald & Peta (Argentine Tango) 27/30: Do I actually need to tell you how HOT this was? If you haven’t seen it, please watch the above video. Smokin’. I was a little worried about the impressionable Driver children sitting in the front row. Peta’s costume was….well, there wasn’t much to it. Gotta keep those male football fans entertained somehow! Or as Pocket Doppler Kelly Tweeted:
@ceallaigh_k half of Peta’s costume is made of buttstick to hold the other half in place
The lifts were strong and amazing. At one point, I was worried that Quickie was going to fling Peta into the laps of the blue hairs in the Uecker seats. They were criminally underscored. While Len may be correct in that there wasn’t enough dancing between the lifts, it was clearly the most watchable dance of the night. An eight? Really Len? After you gave that boring, sexless Salsa by Maria and Derek a NINE? SERIOUSLY?
Is it really that important for William to have the top score on Latin night?! I guess it is.
Predicted Bottom Two: Gavin and Gladys, or possibly Gavin and Roshon.
Predicted Going Home: Gavin. (sniff….)
If Donald goes home in a “shocking elimination,” I fully blame Len. Hide yourself, wanker.
You can vote for Donald and Peta every Monday during the show and for ONE HOUR after the show ends, by texting “VOTE” to 3403 (AT&T customers), calling 1-800-868-3403 to vote by phone, or go to ABC.com and vote online from the start of Monday’s show until 11AM ET on Tuesday . I will add an update after tonight’s results show!
A lovely article about Donald, his family, and growing up homeless. Love this quote from Peta:
When asked about the difference between teaching the NBA star (Ron Artest/Metta World Peace) and her current partner, she replied that Driver “shows up on time, wants to win, wants to be here.” Awesome!
DONALD AND PETA ARE SAFE! Way to vote, Packer Nation. Suck it, Len!
Bottom Two: Gavin and Karina, Jaleel and Kym. The two pairs danced the Cha-Cha-Cha, side by side. All three judges voted to save Jaleel. (sad face)
Going Home: Gavin and Karina.
I would have loved to know if that’s what the result would have been without the dance-off. Jaleel was the better dancer, but I don’t think he endeared himself to the audience the way Gavin did. And Gavin was class and good sportsmanship to the end.