CHICKS DIG SCARS: DWTS, Week Four. “Scuse Me, While I Kiss This Guy!”
Ballroom dancing and KISS. Kinda goes together like cheesecake and ketchup, does it?
Get out the guy liner and Aqua Net, it’s ROCK WEEK on DWTS! Everyone bang your head and do devil horns! The rock group KISS opened tonight’s show ( in full make-up. Believe me, they’re less scary that way. Have you seen Gene Simmons lately? ) playing their hit, “Rock and Roll All Night.” I spent the whole song staring at the guitars, trying to determine if they were actually playing, or if it was recorded. I’m going for recorded. Major props to Tom Bergeron for his “This is Spinal Tap” moment, declaring that KISS should “turn it up to eleven” when they were through.
1. Sherri & Val (Tango) 21/30: I do have to agree with Sherri on one thing. Val needs to go shirtless much more often. And in true Chmerkovskiy fashion, he totally loves himself, which makes it funny and hot all at once. Sherri opened with a lap dance on the judge’s table, which was a little disconcerting, but I was still snickering about Tom’s double entendre song title intro when she did it, so it didn’t bother me that much. They danced to a medley of Quiet Riot’s hit. Remember your 80′s music and the spelling of said song title. That’s all the hints I’m giving you. Tom Bergeron is the perfect host for this show. Just the right amount of sarcasm and inside jokes to keep the masses from wondering why they’re watching ballroom dancing when they could be watching sports on ESPN, or a freak show on TLC.
But, once Sherri and Val started dancing, I couldn’t stop starting at her feet, waiting for her to fall off those hurt-me heels they dressed her in. Someone more observant than me commented, “She dances like she has to pee.” Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. Their Tango wasn’t bad. It was entertaining, but it lacked actual content. The judges comments were basically positive, but they said that it lacked that attack and fire needed for a Tango, which I agree with.
2. Katherine & Mark (Paso Doble) 24/30: I have no idea what song they danced to. I think of myself as a rock fan, and they danced to something that I have never heard before.
In order to get some Paso-fierceness into the proper British Chippy, Mark takes her to a training center, to what looks like an MMA fighting ring. And in typical girly-girl fashion, Katherine totally whiffs and misses the first time she takes a swing at her trainer. Hah! Their dance was decent, but the song was unusual and Katherine seemed a bit out of her element on this one. Still, even on an off night, it was good, earning straight eights from the judges.
3. Jaleel & Kym (Tango) 22/30: Okay, there is something very phony about this guy, and it’s not just the tabloid stories and rumors centering around his treatment of Kym last week ( and the damage control articles all over the internet about him THIS week ), or the emotional ( and bizarre ) tribute to a smarmy character he played on TV named Stefan Urkell. It’s a combination of those things and the declaration last night that he has never heard of Mick Jagger. Seriously? Were you just dropped off at the ABC studios by horse and buggy from Nappanee, Indiana, where you led an Amish existence for 35 years? This is a man who has grown up in Hollywood in front of the cameras. You mean to tell me that he never listened to a radio in all those years? Never saw a music video? Shut the front door. He’s old enough to remember MTV when it actually showed videos and the Rolling Stones were all over it back in the 80′s. I’m sorry, but after hearing that line of bullshit and seeing footage of poor Kym draping herself all over him in an overblown attempt to prove that they’re getting along just fine, I’m crying foul.
Oh, and Jaleel? George Jefferson struts like Mick Jagger, not the other way around. The Rolling Stones were here first. And their dance was okay. Nothing spectacular, but the wheels didn’t come off, either. If he’s in the bottom two, it will be because of the rumors…and the fact that he’s a little bit weird, and not in an “Urkel isn’t-he-cute-and-funny” way.
4. Melissa & Maks (Paso Doble) 22/30: Maks, you’re hotter than a parka, but those toreador pantalones are not a flattering look. Just sayin’. Maybe if they were a darker color?
This was another song in which I scratched my head and said, “This is rock?” It was definitely a song suited for a Paso Doble, and Maks and Melissa were dressed appropriately for the dance, but it seemed an odd choice on Rock Week. That said, Melissa did a decent job. It looked like Maks was dragging her around and she was struggling to keep up at first, but then it clicked…..until Maks slipped and landed on his bum at the end. He recovered nicely, though. Unfortunately, what we found out later was that Melissa hit her head on the floor halfway through the performance and ended up in the ER with a concussion and whiplash! The following Tweets showed up a couple hours after the show:
@MelissaEGilbert: “@MaksimC you are my champion. I adore you. @GavinDeGraw bless your heart for carrying me down those stairs!”
@MelissaEGilbert: “I’m alright. Mild concussion and whiplash. Very soon I will be safely home resting and being taken care of.”
Proving that this show is NOT for wimps, and that Gavin DeGraw is probably one of the nicest guys on this planet. I already own one of his CD’s. I think I’ll go buy the others, now, even though I’ve downloaded most of the others on my Pod already.
5. Donald & Peta (Paso Doble) 27/30: You know, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wondered if Jimi Hendrix ever thought, “Man, I hope that someday my drug infused, blistering guitar anthems are cool enough to make it onto a cheeseball ballroom dancing show.” I’ll bet Eric Clapton is totally jealous right now.
Donald came out and took off his shirt. The End. Isn’t that enough?!
Pecs and tats blazing, strutting to “Purple Haze,” Donald was a commanding presence. Peta choreographed a proper Paso Doble to a psychedelic rock song, which was no easy feat. It was the performance of the night, and I’m not just saying that because I’m completely biased. He received three nines, and like the total perfectionist he is, was disappointed that there were no 10′s. Normally, I would think it was too soon for tens, but given that the judges have already handed out a couple of tens to their pets, I was hoping he would get at least one, as well. DD and Peta ended up at the top of the leader board for the first time, and proved themselves to be one of the most consistent pairs of the season. Seriously. If you haven’t seen the performance, watch the embeded video above. Have a drool bib handy.
6. Gladys & Tristan (Tango) 20/30: Did anyone find it a bit creepy when Gladys was measuring Tristan’s tongue and turned around and there was Gene’s tongue right behind her? Just me? Alrighty then. Tongue in the Ballroom. Another first.
Dear Show: Bohemian Rhapsody is not a dance-able song. Maybe you could do a Paso to it, but not a Tango. It just didn’t fit. Maybe when it kicks in with the loud guitars at the bridge ( the part where you instinctively bob your head repeatedly like Wayne and Garth in “Wayne’s World” ), but the rest is not meant to be danced to. It was a little awkward but Tristan and Gladys managed to tough it out and yet get screwed over in the scoring ( a SIX ! ) for something they didn’t control ( they don’t pick their music ). Plus, they had to follow the performance of the night by Donald and Peta, which is never a good thing.
Did I mention that Tristan is hot in guy liner and black nail polish? Well, he is.
7. William & Cheryl (Jive) 22/30: The first part of the dance wasn’t bad, but something happened in the middle. He was supposed to flip Cheryl around his legs and he just…..didn’t. He seemed to do it twice, and once he messed up, he just never recovered. The rest of the dance was totally out of sync. Despite this disastrous performance, the judges overscored them ( shocking, I know ). Sevens from Carrie Ann and Len and an EIGHT from Bruno? SERIOUSLY? How could he give William the same score he gave Katherine, who was much better? Little Bruno must have held up his paddle for him. What it boils down to is that William can walk onto center stage and pick his teeth, and Bruno would still give him an eight? Any other pair that received less than an eight last night should be pissed, because this was the most mistake laden performance of the night. He totally messed up. MORE THAN ONCE . Dude should have gotten a SIX , because there were couples that didn’t screw up and were given a seven as a score. When you mess up that monumentally, you should get a low score. Period. The guy seems nice and he’s got a great looking bod, but come on! And Cheryl, you don’t have to rip open his shirt every week. Play a little hard to get, honey.
8. Roshon & Chelsie (Viennese Waltz) 26/30: So, apparently the Viennese Waltz is appropriate for ROCK NIGHT ? Seriously? Who’s bright idea was that? It was entirely out of place for the theme of the night. If I was 12 years old ( okay, Roshon’s actually 20 ), and everyone else was dressed in bad assed black leather, dancing to Jimi Hendrix and the Stones, and you stuck me with some schmaltzy ballad (no offense, David Cook. “Time or My Life” just didn’t fit here ) , I’d be pretty damned pissed. Roshon toned down the spaz for the evening, and ended up a point below Donald and Peta in second place
9. Maria & Derek (Tango) 26/30: Really strong dance. She and Derek make a great pair ( but the show always makes sure Golden Boy has a simpatico partnership ) Last week, Maria had a rib injury ( yet still managed to wrestle….really? ), this week it’s a stress fracture in her foot. I’m not doubting her injuries, since a doctor confirmed it on camera, but this is the third season in a row where Derek’s partners have been injured. Jennifer Grey was in pain most of her season last year, Ricki Lake was hobbling last fall, and now Maria. Maybe there’s an issue there? I’m not suggesting that he beats anybody, but judges and fans are always gushing about how innovative and wonderful Derek’s choreography is. Well, maybe it’s too difficult for someone without professional dance experience or someone who’s not an elite athlete. Maybe he’s pushing these women too hard. If he had Gladys as a partner, she’d be in traction right now.
“School’s Out” ( Alice Cooper in the Ballroom…we just keep racking up firsts tonight! ) was a perfect song for the Tango and Maria and Derek were very good, tying Roshon and Chelsie for second place. I actually liked their dance better than Disney Boy’s. If you hadn’t told me that Maria was injured, I never would have known.
10. Gavin & Karina (Tango) 23/30: Tango to “Paint it Black?” Yes, please. As I’ve already stated, this dude is probably the nicest, most decent, anti-rock star you’ll ever see. And he really is trying hard. Will it be enough to keep him around another week? I hope so, because he kinda restores my faith that there are decent people out there in Celebrityland. His dancing is vastly improved. We’ll probably see him in the bottom two for the third week in a row, but I actually hope he stays. I think I’ll listen to some Gavin on my I-Tunes right now.
Gavin starts a tour this week, according to his website. which makes you wonder if he’s hoping that this week will be the one in which he goes. Touring and dancing on the show won’t be easy to keep up with.
Interesting background information on Gavin, per Wikipedia: On August 8, 2011, DeGraw was hospitalized after being assaulted by several people in New York City. Police said a group of men randomly attacked DeGraw early Sunday morning at 6th Street and First Avenue in the East Village , near The National Underground. He suffered a broken nose, a concussion, two black eyes and lacerations to his face. Minutes after the attack, DeGraw was then struck by a taxi.
Ummmm…..wow. Ouch. It would be fairly easy to turn into a bitter person after that. Doesn’t seem to be the case with this guy.
You can vote for Donald and Peta every Monday during the show and for ONE HOUR after the show ends , by texting “VOTE” to 3403 (AT&T customers), calling 1-800-868-3403 to vote by phone, or go to ABC.com and vote online from the start of Monday’s show until 11AM ET on Tuesday . I will add an update after tonight’s results show!
Oh, and Maria Menounos needs to have her trailer redecorated by Clay Matthews after punking Driver like this:
*** RESULTS UPDATE! ***
Donald and Peta were asked to perform an ENCORE! ( a weekly honor reserved for the judges favorite performances ) Then, they were declared SAFE , but not without drama, as the bottom scoring couples (Gavin, Gladys, Melissa) were all declared safe in the beginning and it became clear that a high scoring couple might be going home.
BOTTOM TWO: Roshon and Chelsie, Sherri and Val
GOING HOME: SHERRI and VAL. Wow. Unexpected.
I ALMOST got my wish to see William ( the man who truly deserved to be ) in the Bottom Two. He was the last one declared safe. And whoever is voting for that douche, Urkel, STOP IT. Tonight it looked like Kym could barely stand him. I think the fight rumors are true!
This also shows that you must VOTE and VOTE OFTEN, as even the good dancers need votes. The online votes are evidently very important. You only get so many votes per e-mail address on ABC.com, but there’s no limit to how many e-mail addresses you can use. And, unlike phone and text votes, which you can only do for one hour after the show ends, you have until 11:00 ET on Tuesday to vote online!
So, vote Chicago style….early and often!