CHICKS DIG SCARS: DWTS Week Three. “Tito, get me a tissue…”
Okay, you have to have seen Eddie Murphy’s 1983 stand up show, “Delirious” to see what I did there.
WELCOME to Emotional Blackmail Week on Dancing with the Stars! This is the annual “Most Memorable Year” episode where all the celebs tell you about the time their dog coughed up a lung, or they donated a body part, or had to relearn to walk after a horrible case of crabs….oh, sorry. Too graphic? Mea culpa. Anyway….anything to make you a blubbering mess and exploit their personal tragedies and life experiences to garner reality show votes!
EVERYBODY DANCE! Isn’t this FUN?
1. Jack & Anna (Samba) 24/30: Looks like Jack had a bit of fun back in the day, as an unknown daughter showed up backstage at his concert last year! Yeah. He still does concerts. I was surprised, too. Hey…sounds like a storyline for Frisco Jones on General Hospital! His newly discovered adult daughter was in the audience and he danced to one of his own songs in tribute to her. Jack seems like a decent enough guy, but he was forgettable once the show ended. Dancing first doesn’t help. He wasn’t BAD, just boring, which will not cut it this season. Also, the song choice didn’t help him. It’s hard for a viewer to get into a performance when they’ve never heard the song before.
2. Maria & Derek (Rumba) 27/30: Okay, she was supposedly dancing to Madonna’s Material Girl, which was the song she used to play on the juke box and dance to (in 1988) while her Greek immigrant parents worked to put meals on the table (See what I mean? So far we have an unknown child and slaving immigrant parents chasing the American Dream…DAMMIT, You WILL be emotionally spent tonight if it KILLS US ). The band slowed Material Girl down until it was unrecognizable and more suitable for a sexy Rumba. Did you ever think you’d hear Material Girl as a ballad? There’s a first for everything, I guess. The dance was gorgeous, but I find Derek hammy, scenery chewing and off putting. Maria did a very nice job. Lots of horizontal movement and an almost kiss. Ahem. Are these two people single? It wouldn’t be the first time Derek did the horizontal mambo with his partner, off stage, if you know what I mean.
3. Gladys & Tristan (Foxtrot) 24/30: Gladys picked the year that she first hit the music scene as a teenager (with the Pips) in 1956. They toured with Sam Cooke, who taught her a lot about stage presence and the music business. So, she danced a Foxtrot to “Cupid,” one of Cooke’s biggest hits. It was a nice dance, but a bit slow for a Foxtrot. Even though it was slow, you can tell that Tristan seems to be a wonderful and patient partner. He handles Gladys carefully and with respect, and seems to realize what a 67 year old woman can, and cannot, do. Tristan is one of the newer dancers, but he’s obviously a good guy. This was also the first “My Favorite Year” that was upbeat rather than emotional. I think she’ll be around for awhile longer.
4. Roshon & Chelsie (Samba) 25/30: Rashon loves him some Michael Jackson. He picked 1996, the year he saw him in concert for the first time. Yes, I said 1996. We can assume Rashon wasn’t born when Thriller and Bad were first in music stores. This makes me a little sad. He never saw MJ with the Jackson 5, except on You Tube. He never watched MTV when it was wall-to-wall MJ videos, and he hadn’t yet abused his body with plastic surgeries and prescription drugs.
Rashon can move. There is no dispute. He CAN do Michael Jackson’s famous steps. Was this a Samba? Ummm…not really. It was cute. Rashon came out in an afro wig and some spangly 1970′s clothes, dancing to “I Want You Back.” When he does get voted off, it will be because the adults who actually watch this show have no freaking clue who he is. He is a good dancer, but come on….he’s 12. Actually, he’s 20, but he really does look 12.
5. Gavin & Karina (Rumba) 24/30: Gavin is just a dorky, adorable, polite, completely nice guy. A non-diva singer. He picked “New York State of Mind” for his Rumba, to honor his parents who supported his efforts to become a musician. He was very sweet and it came through in the dance. But, Karina did 85% of the work. They were a bit over scored in my opinion. Was it good? Sure, it was NICE, but probably not good enough to keep him out of the Bottom Two this week.
6. Katherine & Mark (Waltz) 29/30: Dying parent alert! Tissues at the ready! You saw how much Katherine loved her father and the pain she felt while he was dying of cancer. Mark choreographed a beautiful waltz. However, I think it was a bit early to haul out the “10″ paddles in Week Three. Carrie Ann and Bruno gave her 10′s, while Len gave her a 9, which I think was much more appropriate. But, during Sob Story Week, the judges scores are always inflated. It would spoil the mood after a star spills their guts on camera, to tell them that their dance just sucked. So, nothing lower than an 7 or 8 this week!
7. Sherri & Val (Rumba) 24/30: I knew that the humorous Sherri would be toned down this week, and I figured that she’d talk about her son, Jeffrey, who was born at 1 pound, 10 ounces, in 2005. She did. Jeffrey was in the audience. She lights up when she’s talking about her son and you see how much he means to her. It was a nice, careful Rumba with a triple spin. Not as sexual as Maria and Derek, however. Val will last longer than his big brother this season.
8. Melissa & Maks (Jive) 24/30: Wow, it looks like Laura Ingalls’ Half-Pints came out to play! Careful you don’t fall out of that costume, honey! What would Pa say? It was Melissa’s best dance, but still a little bit off. She’s definitely improving and looking less rigid and self-conscious. Her dance was a tribute to the year she broke her back and her comeback from the injury. She stated that last year, she was using a walker to get around. Considering some of the bends and dips they use in this show, that would freak me out a bit, knowing that I could possibly re-injure myself. Good on her.
9. Jaleel & Kym (Rumba) 25/30: Okay, there was something a bit “off” about this from the beginning. First, was his choice of his MOST Memorable Year. Now, mind you, so far we’ve heard about premie babies, newfound daughters, broken backs, cancer deaths, and immigrant parent sacrifices, and this clown starts blubbering about the year that he played Stefan on Family Matters? For those of you who missed it, Stefan was the smarmy, cheeseball, alter-ego character of Urkel. Where Urkel was a dork, Stefan was a cool, ladies man. I think I watched it once and was totally creeped out by Urkel in the white suit trying to sex up the ladies.
Jaleel dances an okay Rumba, gets his scores and then chokes up, as if his dog just died. It was bizarre. “I just wanted to get through this week,” he gasped, and then he broke down. Over Urkel? Really? Or perhaps it was the news that broke today about the alleged fight with with his partner, Kym, where he was a complete diva douchebag and had to be talked down by Mark Ballas and Donald Driver? Of course, today he’s claiming that it was totally blown out of proportion. Okay, Jaleel. Whatever you say. If this story is even a little true, you need to GO. Nobody likes an entitled diva who verbally bullies women.
10. William & Cheryl (Salsa) 28/30: So, the Cuban Stripper Pole gets to Salsa, which he’s probably been doing most of his life (and likely the only dance he knows and is completely comfortable with), while almost everyone else gets slow, boring Rumbas and Waltzes? I call show shenanigans! Looks like producers saw the viewer voting results from the first two weeks and weren’t satisfied that the shipped-in-screamers, drooling judges and the dance partner humping his leg, was enough to keep him around for 7 more weeks. Carrie Ann totally loses common sense and coherent thought when she judges him. After William said that his most memorable year was leaving the oppressive life of communist Cuba, Carrie Ann’s first words when it was her time to critique him was to throw up her hands and shout, “I wanna go to Cuba!” Really? Were you listening to him just tell you how SHITTY it was there and how glad he was to get the hell out of dodge? His dance wasn’t a celebration of Cuba, it was a celebration of him getting the hell OUT of Cuba! Wow. I guess this is what happens when the blood leaves your brain and goes to your groin. I thought that only happened with men. Guess not.
Yeah, the salsa was good, but I still don’t appreciate the manipulation and special treatment this guy gets in order to force him down our throats.
11. Donald & Peta (Rumba) 26/30: So, Donald gets to close the show with a tear jerker about his best friend, who introduced Donald to his wife, was an “uncle” to his children, and who died of cancer in his arms in 2010. Wow. Kinda glad the Packers were able to win that whole Super Bowl thing in February 2011, to perk you back up, Quickie. Donald and Peta danced a very nice Rumba to “One Sweet Day,” for which he was given two 9′s. The lone 8 was from Len, the judge who apologized for underscoring him in Week One, yet still continues to do it. At the conclusion of his dance, Donald was unable to answer questions or comment about the situation with his friend. It was too much for him. The line forms behind me to give him a hug.
You see, Jaleel. THAT was worth getting emotional for, you blithering dumbass.
“The passion you just expressed was mesmerizing,” said a tearful Carrie Ann. Len pointed out the dance as being “a little hectic here and there,” but said, “I didn’t expect a great big hunky, dunky football guy to come out and dance with such warmth and emotion. … A top-notch performance.”
Donald is one of the better dancers on this season, and he is improving each week, but I have to admit, I’m a little concerned. His partner hasn’t been on the show long enough to establish a voting base, and while Donald is well known to US, he’s not as well known to non-Packer fans. But I think there’s a solution. I think he needs some star power in the audience to boost his credentials. I’m calling out Greg Jennings, Aaron Rodgers, Charles Woodson and even Clay Matthews. Get your asses to the ballroom! Swallow your machismo pride and support Quickie! You’ll get to see half-nekkid women dancing! Maybe DWTS Alumn Erin Andrews will come and sit with you so that you don’t feel awkward.
Hey, I was informed that James Jones AND Josh Sitton were both in the audience on Monday night! Way to represent and support, guys!
And Packer fans….PLEASE VOTE!!
You can vote for Donald and Peta every Monday for ONE HOUR after the show ends by texting “VOTE” to 3403 (AT&T customers), calling 1-800-868-3403 to vote by phone, or go to ABC.com and vote online. I will add an update after tonight’s results show!
YAY! Quickie and Peta were declared SAFE!
Bottom Two: Jack and Anna, Gavin and Karina.
Going Home: Jack and Anna. He was a good sport about it, though.
Did they just say that KISS was going to be on next week’s results show? KISS….On Dancing with the Stars….now I’ve seen everything.