For some reason, I was crazy lucky enough this morning to be awake and ‘on the Tweeter’ to scroll through the moment by moment reporting of Mike McCarthy’s PR session at the NFL owners’ meeting.

I’ve long prided myself on my ability to speak ‘Mike’. As in McCarthy. It’s no secret that I value and appreciate our coach a great deal (and, for some mysterious reason, even find him attractive, much to the amusement of John Rehor, among others). He’s smart, patient (to a fault, I admit) and veddy politically correct 99.9% of the time in how he conducts his interviews and public appearances. We all know, however, that no one, but no one, is that perfect, especially anyone who gets as red in the face during a game as our dear MM.

To help you see how his mind really works, I present my partial transcription of this morning’s press opportunity to help you see what the man is really thinking. Thanks to Rob Demovsky for taking meticulous Twitter notes (and thanks to Doc Kelly, who I’m sure had the same idea I did at the same time, but didn’t blog about it. Hers would be much funnier though.)

What Mike said…and what he really meant….

“Thought Rodgers played well in the playoff game, we had what 7 dropped passes.” – translation – ‘Aaron thinks he played really well, and he gets upset when he gets criticized in public, so I’m going to back him up. Truth is, everyone played like dog*bleep*, with the exception of Donald Driver, who I’ll mention later.’

On Jeff Saturday: “The way we play on offense, it’s important to have a veteran center.” – translation – ‘One who isn’t a whiny baby like Scott Wells.’

On Derek Sherrod: “He looks better every time I see him. They’re projecting him for training camp.” – translation – ‘I just hope I get to prove that @Ceallaigh_k on the Tweeter wrong, because she says he won’t be back. I’m screwed though, she’s right.’

“Dom has probably answered this, but probably his most frustrating year as a defensive coordinator. He’s expressed that.” – translation – ‘I know as well as you guys and the fans do that Capers has a noticeable dropoff in defensive effectiveness after a couple of years in a system. If he doesn’t shape up, his booty’s out the door, and Kevin Greene’s got his job.’

“I had all the confidence that our defense was going to play well down the stretch. Felt good coming out of the DET game.” – translation – ‘Look, I am well aware our defense sucked all year. We had more holes in us than authentic Swiss cheese. I didn’t think they’d suck any more than usual against the Giants, and they didn’t, but they didn’t suck any less either.’

“I’m definitely past the NY Giants game. You focus on your performance and we didn’t do the fundamentals.” – translation – ‘I’ve watched film on that game every day since we lost, and the only person more pissed off than me about that game is this weird Packers blogger who has an unaccountable crush on me. Next time we play them, they’re going to be blasted.

On how mad he was the Saints targeted Rodgers in bounty system: “I’ve moved past that.” – translation – ‘Thank God we got rid of Favre when we did. He couldn’t get away from them at all. And I’m smirking at Sean Payton every time I see him this week.’

On there being room for Driver on the roster – ‘Absolutely.’ – translation – ‘I am not touching that one with a ten foot pole. Quickie’s on his way to being America’s Sweetheart, the fans love him and he’s the only one who played worth a damn in the playoff game. Ted better keep him.’

On Mike Neal: “I haven’t spoken to Mike yet, that’s something I’d like to continue and have that conversation.” – translation – ‘I keep thanking Ted for getting us another Justin Harrell, except for one who uses banned substances to boot. He’s out of here.’

“To have Nick (Collins) back would be huge. If Nick’s able to come back, it’s a great boost for us. Personal side of it is a concern.” – translation – ‘I am so not going to have to be the one to have Nick get paralyzed on my watch. I love him but don’t expect him to be Green and Gold, kids.’

“Thank you, It was nice talking to you all.” – translation – ‘I got through this one without my ‘that damn Packers beat writer exasperated me’ sigh. I win!’

 

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