Sailing the Seas of Cheese: We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Zucchinis or Portents of the Mayan Apocalypse
Yes, this is a counterpoint to the fabulous Thaddeus Collins’ case for Leaving the Gun and Taking the Tebow that he wrote yesterday. If you haven’t read it, you really should. After all, he does make some really logical points how acquiring Tim Tebow could be a win-win for all parties involved. That said, John Rehor also makes a good argument, that if the Packers were to acquire him for a song–say a Seventh Round draft choice, it would be no skin off anyone’s teeth if it didn’t pan out.
But yeah, I would rather dive naked into a bucket of razor blades before I would want that to happen. Sure, some of my rationale is more visceral–maybe even trending into Insane Troll Logic. But some of it is actually rooted in reality.
So what does that have to do with zucchinis, you ask?
Growing up in the Midwest, it seemed (and still does) that everyone with a garden always grows an inordinate amount of zucchini. Universally, every gardener I know (myself included) seems to have a Tribble problem with them once they start taking off exponentially. I mean, truckloads of giant zucchini that are so big, nasty and tough, the only thing you can do with them is shred the flesh for zucchini bread or feed them (which I do) to your staggering hungry mob of
So what do you do when you invariably end up with more useless giant zucchinis than you could ever use? Easy. You offload them into the backseat of your unsuspecting neighbor’s unlocked car.
Unfortunately, this year there appears to be an overabundance of really expensive
zucchinis quarterbacks that teams have no use for. Get a rock star in free agency, dump the your previous starter in someone’s unlocked backseat. It’s happening in Seattle and now Denver. Right now Tebow is one of the giant, unwanted squash. Move him to either San Francisco, Jacksonville or the Jets and someone else becomes that bag of squash to go with the likes of Tevaris Jackson and Donovan McNabb.
Ted Thompson Doesn’t Do Drama
The Packers certainly aren’t looking for a new starting quarterback. And the Packers sure as hell aren’t looking for the wank that would occur if they brought in Tim Tebow. I can hear it now, the haters led none other than than Skip Bayliss would be calling for Aaron Rodgers (hey, Skip in case you’ve forgotten, we’re talking about the League MVP, not TJack) to be benched on a daily basis just because Tebow was in the same zip code. The QB controversy was solved in 2008. We all remember how horribly painful that was and can all agree we don’t want to revisit that any time soon, right? We have our guy. He’s brought the team a ring, a Superbowl MVP and a League MVP. He already suffered through one QB casting a shadow on him. At this point Rodgers has deserved his time to shine without anything obstructing it. And if you think that the smaller market would diminish the hoopla, the media circus or the mental masturbation that would occur across the blogosphere in a Tim in Green and Gold scenario, you are just fooling yourself. Sure Tim isn’t seeking attention in the same malicious way a previous QB craved, there is no question that the media would be stirring up with just as much frenzy.
Ted Thompson Doesn’t Like Zucchini
Let’s face it, other than perhaps Charles Woodson, Thompson is not a fan of high-profile free agency. And he certainly does’t do sloppy seconds on miscellaneous bits and bobs that no one wants or needs. Unless Tim Tebow can suddenly become a fabulous OLB or Center, he’s not the Packers’ first priority. Best Player available applies to the draft. Sure, bring him as a weird Tight End/H-back whatever. Being a utility slash player only gave Cordell Stewart so much milage before he became useless squash. Then again, don’t the Packers already have fifty (yes, I’m exaggerating) Tight Ends that already fit the bill and know the system? Yes, Tim is the shiny thing dangling in front of teams right now. Seriously, what would his role on the team be other than drive up the sales of another Packers jersey that isn’t #15? Come on, he may be the Left Handed Jesus, but 15 is and always will belong to Bart Star.
Ted Thomspson Doesn’t Like Throwing Money to the Wind
Let’s all not forget that Ted Thompson likes playing Moneyball. He’s all about unsung, solid players at bargain basement prices. Unless Tim Tebow is really willing to take an enormous paycut (as in 1/6 of what he’s currently making) there is no way on God’s green earth that Thompson will to trade even a Seventh Round for him and inherit that sizeable contract, let alone fork out the incentives as well Tebow is set to make $2.27 Million–fully guaranteed–this coming season. For that money, sign me up. I’d be willing to stand there, do little to nothing and hold a clipboard! Matt Flynn made around $400,000 a year to be the backup. Sure, quality back-ups around the league tend to make more, but not in the two-million range. Okay, make him that H-back everyone pretends he is. Again, ask yourself if he is worth more than John Kuhn who is also making less than Tebow. And for that matter, Tom Crabtree, who actually is a Tight End and plays the H-back on a regular basis commands even less.
Bottom line: Ted Thompson–though the team tried it for a play much to Aaron Rodgers’ lack of approval last season–does not and will not pay that much cash for a really crappy, drama-laden version of the Wildcat.
In the end, there is no question Tim to Green Bay makes for a lot of press, speculation, gnashing of teeth and rending of garments. Then again, maybe it’s a portent for the Mayan Apocalypse. Maybe he needs to come to Green Bay to set the end of the world in motion. After all, Wisconsin has already had the other signs come to fruition–80 degree weather in March and strange booming sounds beneath the earth in Clintonville.
If that’s the case, the fate of the entire world is in Ted Thompson’s hands! Stop the apocalypse from even happening, Ted. Pass on Tim and let him become a Jet!
That said, we don’t want Sanchez either…