Sailing the Seas of Cheese: If I Were Emperor of the Pro Bowl
I hate All Star type of games. They are cake, incredibly boring and absolutely pointless. I stand by what I said last night. The Pro Bowl is the equivalent of licking a Wet-nap in a pathetic attempt to catch a football buzz.
And yeah, did that Football Wet-nap taste absolutely horrible.
Let’s not pretend it’s anything more than a slow paced, high scoring version of flag football. But who’s going to begrudge the guys playing in it? By default, it’s the other thirty that won’t be in the big dance at the end of the season. It’s a trip to Hawaii on the company dime. It’s not like they’re being forced to play the Pro Bowl somewhere in Gary, Indiana.
But everyone knows it’s lame. The game never sells out. It’s not like most plan a trip to Hawaii just to go to the Pro Bowl. And then there’s my cousin and her husband. They live 10 minutes up the road in Mililani. Had a great time with her hubby in Dallas last year for Superbowl XLV. Needless to say, he is a diehard, dyed in the wool Packers fan. His Hawaii license plate harkens to his Cheesehead roots in Milwaukee. He heads to the mainland at least once a year to take in a game. But did he go to the Pro Bowl? No, he went to a niece’s birthday party instead.
That’s not to say there shouldn’t be an NFL All Star game. And since I would never expect them to ever play with the intensity of a regular season game (Let’s face it, a career-ending injury is hardly worth even the winner’s $50,000 bonus) why don’t they do something else to make it more interesting for both the players and those
who had nothing better to do on a Sunday night watching at home.
(Why yes, Bill Maher, I’m jacking your title. Just deal with it. I’ll give it back when I’m done.)
- If Cam Newton must play in the Pro Bowl, let’s just cut to the chase and put him in a clown suit. Seriously, what is his major fashion impairment?
- Speaking of fashion, the Pro Bowl will be played in an aloha shirt, board shorts and flip flops. I mean, really, since there’s little to no contact, might as well just prove a point that you’re on vacation.
- Since the blocking on the line is usually no more aggressive then a handful of octogenarians smacking it out with purses, the Offensive and Defensive lines must be dressed in those giant inflatable Sumo Wresting suits and may only block by belly bucking their opponents.
- Since the quarterbacks are encouraged to intentionally ground the ball instead of eat a sack, what’s the point of putting them out there in the first place? From here on out, the largest guy selected to the Pro Bowl from each side shall become the starting QB. Why yes, I am looking at you, BJ Raji! At least we’d get some laughs out of a guy way out of his league playing field general. Let’s see you try to sack 375 pounds of BJ Raji and his cavernous Belly Button of Doom!
- Likewise, the QB shall play the role of the place kicker for the team, and if he’s feeling daring, can also serve as punter.
- Any QB who thinks he’s All That and a Bag of Chips and is saucy enough to think he can score on a drop kick, yet misses, will be awarded -206 points, that clown suit Cam Newton was wearing and a trip to Redemption Island where he must fight a kickboxing kanagroo in a Thunderdome style battle to the death.
- Touchdowns are worth a round of Mai Tais for the entire scoring team that must be consumed before the next kickoff.
- Touchdowns are worth double points if riding an inflatable Shamu into the end zone at the time of the reception.
- If any team reaches 50 points, all wide receivers will be replaced by the punters, kickers and long snappers.
- At half time if the collective score reaches 75, the stadium will be flooded and sharks will be added to mix things up.
- If at the end of regulation, the teams can’t get the their act together and find themselves in a tie, the Double Top Secret Overtime will commence. Any monies promised to both the winning and losing teams ($50,000 and $25,000 respectively) will be divvied up among the poor souls who paid actual money to watch this trainwreck in person.
- In Double Top Secret Overtime, the winner of the coin toss will be supplied with tranquilizer darts and blowguns, the losers will be provided with standard police tasers. The team with the most players standing after the customary 9 minutes of overtime shall be declared the winner.
- If at any point during Double Top Secret Overtime a team is able to apprehend the opposing team’s head coach, the Triple Top Secret Sudden Death Overtime rules shall apply and the capturing team shall immediately be declared the winner.
So until the rules are changed to make the Pro Bowl a little more entertaining, I will be watching Downtown Abbey instead.