Sailing the Seas of Cheese: Everybody Hurts
Take comfort in your friends.
Don’t throw your hand. Oh, no
Don’t throw your hand
If you feel like you’re alone, No, no, no, you are not alone. –REM
Sorry, gang. Don’t have it in me to put together a post mortem for this game. It just seems to damn depressing to put the Packers away on the post-game slab. Not ready for the finality of it all. I can’t help and sadly laugh at the symmetry of the past year that now seems to mock us. The run toward Dallas started with the Packers completely and utterly gutting the Giants a little over a year ago. How funny (strange, I don’t feel like laughing) that it all ends with a reversal of fortune. I’m sure I’ll dissect the game a little more when I can be more objective and less of an emotional girl. So until that point, I’m aiming for some fluff and am going to do it in open letter format. Bear with me, I can’t muster any real writing tonight.
Dear Green Bay Packers,
Thank you for such an wonderful year. Thirteen time World Champions. Wins or losses, that can never be taken away. the road to Dallas was nothing short of amazing, even if I caught the queen mother of all head colds in the Big D. It made everything right in the universe and made us all hungry for more. Oh, and now that I am part owner, yeah, I want more of those championships. Would have loved one this year, but it wasn’t in the cards. But then again, I survived the bleak years of the Eighties. What’s one more year. Back to being the hunter not the hunted. You always seem more deadly when flying under the radar. Training camp can’t come soon enough.
Much love, Kels
PS: please draft a corner back or safety in the first round. And while we’re at it, I would also like a pony.
Dear Aaron Rodgers,
It’s after twelve right now. Seriously, go to bed and stop watching film from tonight. You remind me of a lot of guys that went to med school with me who would rehash dissect every test and every single question they got wrong. Luckily we also went to school with a guy named Karl who had the rule that he would inflict severe bodily harm if anyone stewed over a failed test too long. Take Karl’s advice, and let this one go and walk away for a week or two. Yes, you can lick your wounds, but don’t dwell on it.
Add all of the emotions you have tonight to that amalgamation of memories that fuel that fire of yours to remind anyone who has ever slighted you that you are much better than they think. Remember the name of every jackwagon dressed in blue tonight that threw your belt back at you. Remember the look on their faces as they mocked you. Remember how it made you boil on the inside. Then go and kick their asses when you head to New York next year. You have a long memory. Keep using it to your advantage. Just remember, payback is always best when served stone cold.
But don’t forget everything else that has happened along the way. A Super Bowl ring and matching game MVP, a trip in two weeks to Hawaii on the company dime and the league MVP you deserve. Savor the fact that it’s the old guy that now gets to stand in your shadow.
It’s your team. Regroup, dare I say, reload, and head once more unto the breach in July. While you’re at it, go kick your brother’s butt in FIFA. Rumor has it, he’s a complete candy ass in Fantasy Football and got beat by a bunch of girls. *cough*
And for the love of god, lead with your feet when you slide!
Until then, see you on the flipside, Kelly
Dear Tom Crabtree,
Hug that baby boy of yours. He’s got it right. You’re still a hero regardless of the outcome of tonight’s game. He is a nice reminder where priorities ultimately lie. He doesn’t care about rings or titles or scoreboards. He love his daddy, and everything was right with the universe when he saw you walk in the door. It’s just a game, a very emotional game, but at the end of the day, you will be a dad longer than anything. And with that role, you will always be on top of your game. I think we can all learn something from your son tonight.
And thank you for being such a great part of this greater Packer Nation. You have proven time and time again that you will always be more One of Us than the corporate side of the NFL.
Rock on, Tommy. Rock on, Kelly
Dear Donald Driver,
Please do not retire yet, Quickie. You have records to shatter. You’ve still got it in you, and the team needs its Grand Old Man for at least another season.
That is all, Kels
Dear Mason Crosby,
Thank you for making Jersey Al eat a helping dose of crow this year. You proved your critics wrong. But, dude, when your coach tells you to do an unnecessary onside kick in the future, please feel free to knock it out of the endzone instead.
Thanks for your cooperation in advance, K
Dear Bandwagoners that felt the needs to bash anyone and everything tonight including players and/or their significant others,
Seriously, go find another team to bandwagon. No, really, we don’t need you. Criticize performance or behavior. But enough with the ad hominem attacks. How classy and utterly spineless to hunt players down on twitter only to try to wound and maim. We’ve already reached our quota of cyber bullies in this world. Go away before someone drops a house on you. If this is how you treat your own, we neither need nor want you.
Absolutely no love, Kelly
Dear Extra Special Jerk Who Actually Had the Balls to Blame Joe Philbin for This Loss,
Screw you. No, seriously, screw you. Please accept the enclosed chainsaw as my awestruck admiration for your declaration of utter depraved idiocy and insert it into your personal orifice of choice and kindly turn the device on.
Seriously, what is wrong with you? He who declares himself Team Xbox, when you grow up and leave Momma’s basement, you may eventually have children of your own. If and when that ever happens, I hope you never have to bury a child. You obviously don’t get it.
Go away until you find whatever is left remaining of your pathetic little soul, Kelly
After the dust settles from tonight’s game, I hope everyone here remembers the big picture. In moments like this, sometimes it’s good to return to the basics. Robert Fulghum summed it up perfectly in his poem, All I Really Need to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten:
And it’s still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
Stick together, Packer Nation. We’ve been through worse. The Packers will rise again. And with their current cast of characters, it won’t be decades in between before the team hoists Vince Lombardi Trophy over their heads again.