Sailing the Seas of Cheese: Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse
Which Packer would Survive a Zombie Apocalypse?
Yesterday Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers told Jason Wilde that, in an anonymous team poll, the Green Bay Packers voted Tom Crabtree the one player they’d want on their side during a Zombie Apocalypse.
Is there a traveling trophy to go with that award?
Be still my beating heart. My two great loves have officially collided: football and zombies. The only day I really watch television is Sunday. Football in the afternoon and AMC’s The Walking Dead at 8:00 pm (alas, the show is on hiatus until February!) Anyhow, I apparently have too much time on my hands and am totally blaming Crabtree and Rodgers for this post. And since this post is absolutely 100% nonsense, feel free to abandon all hope and exit the the post now. You have been warned.
Who Would Survive a Zombie Apocalypse?
The world has come to a screeching halt and the undead now shuffle the earth in a nonstop quest to feast on human flesh. Millions die as the plague spreads across the planet. A Zombie bite is universally fatal. For those who aren’t eaten and torn to bits,the unlucky become the infected undead that will stagger until they either disintegrate or are put down like rabid dogs. Ragtag groups of humans gather together for survival. Among them are some familiar names. Let’s see how they would pan out as humanity starts to slip into the seams of history…
Tom Crabtree. Already voted Most Likely to Succeed and picked first in the apocalyptic game of zombie kickball by his teammates. He’s big. He’s strong. He’s played inordinate amounts of Modern Warfare to probably qualify for minor in Military Science at one of the American service academies. He has the strength to crush a zombie skull with an axe and can knock down a lumbering zombie with the many skills developed playing blocking back for the Green and Gold. And he’s watched the Walking Dead. Chances are he knows enough about zombies to both kill and avoid them. Besides, I’m voting him Most Likely to Wear a String of Zombie Ears as a Necklace because that is how Tommy Crab rolls. So, yeah, I’d want him on my side as well.
Clay Matthews. He already fancies himself Predator. And everyone knows you would never want to be on the receiving end of one of his hits. Aggressive enough to leave a wake of zombies that have ceased to be. But his hamstring and hair are two liabilities. Zombies are good at two things: grabbing and biting. If one of them got a hold of Matthew’s famously long hair, it could drag him to the ground long enough to get a taste of Outside Linebacker. Couple that with his dubious hamstring and Clay runs the risk of being bitten despite his speed, strength and ferocity. And that would just suck. Because as a zombie, Clay Matthews would still be Predator, only an undead, really strong mother of a very hard to bring down zombie Predator. That would be no fun. So if there ever was a zombie apocalypse, my advice to the good Mr. Matthews would be to revert back to his haircut in high school when he was known as alter ego William Matthews. Short hair and a healthy Clay would equal zombie killing machine that would survive the brave new world where the dead walked the earth. (Man, the things you find when you start Googling for images for an article.)
The Receiving Corps. I’m lumping all of these guys together. Zombies lumber at a whopping 3-5 miles per hour. If you stick to Romero rules, they can’t run, climb or use their hands for anything more than rudimentary grabbing. Not a chance on earth that the likes of Driver, Jennings, Nelson, Cobb or Jones would ever be slow enough for even the quickest of zombies to grab them. Even if they were grabbed, they are experts at breaking free. Strong enough for combat with the undead and also quick enough to be runners for supplies. Definitely would want these guys on my team.
Scott Wells. Hey, it’s the guy very few talk about. There’s part of me that would actually think he has an even better chance to survive an apocalypse than even Tom Crabtree. He’s strong. He has the endurance to go the distance. (Seriously, have you ever heard of him NOT being in the game when they needed him.) He certainly doesn’t draw attention to himself and can go 60 minutes fully appreciated and completely unnoticed. Sometimes camouflage is the best way to survive when you’re surrounded by hundreds of walking dead. And the best part? He’s BALD! Nothing to grab on his head. Hand Scott an axe and an aluminum baseball bat, and he’ll knock down the zombie horde!
Desmond Bishop. All of the positive attributes that Matthews has minus the gimpy hammy and long flowing yet easily grabbed hair. He is tied with Matthews this year with five sacks a piece. But he’s the ultimate bad ass because he’s Des Bishop. Ghosts sit around a campfire telling Des Bishop stories. Des Bishop has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life. Death once had a near Des Bishop experience. Des Bishop once started a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together. Des Bishop once fought Superman in a bet; the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside. Walker, Texas Ranger had Chuck Norris (the source of these Des jokes). The Green Bay Packers have Desmond Bishop. He survives and makes the zombies feel bad for even chasing him.
BJ Raji and Howard Green. Yes, their belly buttons could double as swimming pools. Combined, they could probably bench press a Mack Truck. But in the first rule of Zombie Apocalypses, if you’re the big guy with the baby face, you will invariably fall, sprain your ankle and become zombie hors d’ouvres. Think of them as the Red Shirts of the Zombie genre. Since baby faces always meet their maker, we might as well include Derek Sherrod into this category. That’s not to say they wouldn’t pile up the body count when taking on the undead. But let’s face it, none of these guys would ever crack the Below Five Seconds barrier in the 40 yard dash. But these deaths are never in vain. They are usually the ones who lay down a cover of fire and declare, Go on without me! But in their trope is becoming cannon fodder, adorable and loved by everyone Cannon Fodder.
Aaron Rodgers. Last but not least, let’s discuss the quarterback. It’s been a long battle and a handful of the fastest and strongest have headed out to beat back the latest horde that is threatening the office building where a handful of you are holed up. Aaron isn’t the strongest or the fastest (but he got an A for effort on a reported 4.71 seconds on a 50 yard dash once!) but he has those leadership skills that are so crucial when the world has devolved into chaos. He’s the calm when everyone else is freaking out and has proven several times over he’s scrappier than on paper.
Somewhere along the line a few days ago, the zombie hunting party gets split up. Half head north, the other half was seen heading toward the warehouse down by the river where dozens of zombies were seen swarming. They keep streaming out of the warehouse and the boys get down to business swinging axes and firing their shotguns. One by one the zombies fall motionless to the concrete. The sun you never thought was going to rise is peeking over the buildings to the east. No one as seen Crabtree, Raji or Rodgers for three days. Hopefully they made it back to the safe house.
You only have a few more rounds for your shotgun, but it looks like the swarming mass of undead are down for the count when you hear the sound of just one more snarling in the shadows of the warehouse. At least you hope it sounds like one more. This should be easy. Put it down and head back for a well-deserved meal of canned beans and some Spongebob fruit snacks and wash the fetid zombie guts out of what feels like every pore of your body. The walker staggers from the shadows. Before you see its face you recognize its shoes. Nikes, there’s blood on them. The skin is sallow and there’s a huge bite take out of the side of its neck. Everyone seems paralyzed. No one is able to shoot. It staggers a little closer as though it recognizes the hunting party. A sickening pop and its head snaps back as the sound of gunfire echoes against the buildings. The zombie crumples to the ground and Tom Crabtree emerges from the alley with a smoking shotgun. He’ll live another day in the zombie apocalypse. Too bad we can’t say the same for Number Twelve.
Why didn’t he survive (and yes, this is a giant anvil for why he shouldn’t allow himself to get sacked, thanks for noticing!) the zombie onslaught? Because he’s shown several times instead of checking down or dumping off the ball, he sometimes waits too damn long and allows himself to get sacked. So, yes, cautionary tale. Think zombies in situations like this and the Packers may not be looking at a Third Down and 16. And then there’s the fact that those leadership and selfless skills sometimes get you killed. I’m sure he’d get bitten doing something Quixotically noble like trying to help out a teammate or he’d think he’s assisting the little old lady (completely ignoring the fact her skin is kind of green and she smells a little like that dead raccoon that’s been on the side of the road for two weeks) only to realize she’s the zombie that’s going to bite half of his neck off. Then there’s always the truly tragic and unexpected demise of one of the main characters. Bottom line , if Crabtree is mostly to survive the Zombie Apocalypse, then Aaron Rodgers is most likely to become zombie bait.