Sailing the Seas of Cheese: Lies, Damn Lies and the Long Arm of the NFL Law
“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” –William Jefferson Clinton “Right now, Iraq is expanding and improving facilities that were used for the production of biological weapons.” –George W. Bush “These are not the droids you are looking for.” –Obi Wan Kenobi “My apologies to @tjlang70, my team, my fans and the nfl. I am not a dirty player and did not maliciously aim for the groin, just happened to be where it landed.” –Brian Robison, Minnesota Vikings
Partial truths, flat-out lies, six of one, half-dozen of another. Does it really matter when feet are flying in the NFL? So, Brian, if you weren’t aiming for groin, where on TJ Lang’s body was it legal to drill him with your cleats? Inquiring minds really want to know!
Oh, that’s right, there is no legal use of a foot in football–ironic, I know–aside from punting and and attempting kick the ball through the uprights. Last time I checked, slamming one’s foot into another guy’s unmentionables wasn’t even legal even in rugby or Australian rules football.
I think TJ Lang–who fortunately is still not singing soprano–summed it up rather succinctly:
It was in the sweet spot. In my opinion, it was a pretty cowardly move. I didn’t do anything dirty to the guy. I don’t know what he was upset about. He decided to kick me right in the groin. You never want to see that in a football game. I’m just proud of the way I responded. I didn’t throw any punches. It was really hard for me to keep my cool.
So yeah, that apology really seems hollow. Especially when Robison spouts off further when he isn’t pretending to apologize and says something even more asinine: “As usual, they always catch the second guy.”
So, Brian, let me get this straight, you’re apologizing because you’re the one who got caught and you’re contrition is a gesture so you won’t get a huge fine?
You know what? I don’t care, Brian. Call the Whaaaaaaaambulance. Even if Lang may or may not have lifted you off the ground, that does not give you the right to stomp someone else’s jewels. Sorry, you don’t get a pass no matter how much butthurt you are currently experiencing because he pushed you, or lifted you up or called you a poopyhead.
So what is the proper sanction for drilling someone in the cup? Had this been an upper cut to the jaw, it’s an ejection and no one would throwing the punch would be pulling the poor me victim card like Robison appears to be doing.
Remember Charles Martin? If you dont, let me give you some hints: One of the less bright moments of Forrest Gregg’s mediocre stint as head coach. In case you’ve forgotten, he had a hit list of jersey numbers on his towel–Jim McMahon’s #9 was first on the list. And he was the first–and only–player to be assassinated by Martin. Who can forget Martin pile driving the punky QB to the ground and causing a season-ending shoulder injury. For reference, Martin was summarily ejected, suspended for two additional games and fined $15,000. No clue how much that would be worth in today’s dollars (one estimate I found online was almost $30,000.) Nevertheless, hopefully a lot more than AJ Hawk’s $10,000 for flipping his own teammates the bird.
But who knows. After all, two grown men acting like a couple of girls in a roller derby match minus creepy yet sexy girl scout uniforms almost coming to blows over a case of a back slap and a bigger case of butthurt apparently is not fine-worthy while wearing a very loud pair of fugly yellow shoes is worth a $5000 fine.
While Lang’s injury was not as dramatic as McMahon’s (though I think the long arm of the law would have been a little more heavy in the buttkicking department had Robison done the same to a quarterback) there is no place for dirty hits like that in the NFL. Hopefully Robison’s sanction is somewhere below Charles Martin’s and hopefully above one for a one-finger salute. For the love of god, it had better be more than one from the underwear and shoe police.
Robison emphatically stated in his “apology” (for the record, I’m making airquotes and rolling my eyes here) that he isn’t a dirty player.
Well, you know what, Bri? Now you are. Congratulations. Hope are you a little more sincere and a hell of a lot more contrite when Uncle Roger gives you a call this week.