Sailing the Seas of Cheese: Why Yes, They Do Still Suck
Another Bears fan throwing insults in our face
The Packers are the greatest team to ever play the game
Even if from time to time they’ve been a little lame –The Bears Still Suck Polka
This week is like no other (well until the next time around where will be Home Field Advanage Bears Week!
P It is a weird combination of Christmas and Hell Week (for those of you who didn’t pledge a greek organization, it’s one solid week of hazing.) Insults and humiliation galore!
It’s a long and storied week. As a graduate of a fine institution of higher learning that happened to be an hour or so south of the City of
Big Shoulders Bad Breath, I had to endure enough hazing to last a lifetime from the countless obnoxious students from the greater metro area even though my university was not even in Illinois. Ironic considering they also cheered for the home team at school that 1) Didn’t win a game until my senior year of college and 2) during my freshman year got soundly whomped by Grand Valley State an embarrassing 91-0. So much for mercy rules or scholarships for the football team for that matter. (Oh, and in the weirdest Learner is Now the Master moments or perhaps a little salt in a festering wound, the coach of Grand Valley that thrashed us is now the the coach of Valpo.) Needless to say, kids that go to a college where the football team literally does both suck and blow probably should not be tossing stones at anyone, even if the Packers were happily mediocre in the early 90′s. Then again, the Bears were hardly any better.
But I digress. Where was I?
Oh, yes, Bears Week…
First of all, Shame on the social networking team of the Green Bay Packers for retweeting the following:
RT @ChicagoBearsCom: Bears will wear alternate orange jerseys Sunday versus Packers.
Not a big deal at first glancing. But retweeting the archnemesis? Seriously, Pack? That would be on par with the Vatican retweeting the following:
RT @AntiChristcommaThe: The Apocalypse will begin next Thursday. Now accepting ritual sacrifies of firstborns, virgins and/or goats.
Thou shall not retweet the tweets of thy enemy for it is unsightly to Vince and Curly. Woe is the Packer that copies and pastes anything from the Bears’ front office. Heavy is the heart of the fan that must readeth such garbage. Though we hath walked through the valley of the shadow of no wins in the 80′s, I shall fear no evil for Lambeau is with me. Thy Vince and thy Bart, they comfort me.
Okay, so back to the Bears. Yeah those classy fans that called me something that rhymes with something Tim Masthay does on Fourth Down all because they can tweet but they can’t take it back. In fact said bottom dweller encouraged his followers to do the same. Didn’t know that Bears fans doubled as mindless sheep. You’re going to deny that your quarterback has mastered the 2 1/2 twist, flying buttsmack sack? Not his fault your O-line is as porous as a deep sea sponge. At least good ol’ Jay got a 9.8, 9.9, 9.90, an 10.0 and a 4.6 (from the Russian judge who was not impressed) for his artistic technique.
Oh, and the Butthurt. The Butthurt! But We’re the Reigning NFC North Champions!! Fine, whatever, You’re 2010 champions of the NFC North. Happy Now? You may be Miss Congeniality but someone else is Miss Universe. You do realize that, right? Y’all are aware there was one more game in the season, right? You know, giant to do at the Jerry Dome, hotels downtown that did not have a 50 foot Cutler plastered on the outside. Confetti, a shiny trophy named after some guy named Vince. But if you want to crow that you won the NFC North and that Brian Urlacher has the same amount of Super Bowl rings as my cat Kittystink, go right ahead. No one is going to stop you.
But how can you fault a team whose fight song sounds like something you should be doing in the privacy of your own bathroom? Seriously, are they cheering for a touchdown or trying to lay some pipe?
Bear down, Chicago Bears, and let them know why you’re wearing the crown.
You’re the pride and joy of Illinois, Chicago Bears, bear down
Well, you heard it straight from the Bear’s mouth. A team that is happy to be runner up, likes wearing a crown while sitting on the toilet. Is this a football team or a bunch of toddlers? Midgets of the Midway, indeed.
And with that, I’ll leave you with one more image of Jay Cutler and his turf eating skills…
Even guys on IR can take out Jay Cutler