Mr. Jay Cutler, I Like the Sound of That
Jay Cutler is getting married.
“I’ve been ripping out a lot of papers from Brides magazine,” Kristin Cavallari, Jay Cutler’s fiance said to People Magazine. “I’m going to start meeting with wedding planners in the next couple of weeks.”
There are Housewives, Basketball Wives, and an 85-year old man attempting to woo women in their mid-twenties (I had Hef in my celebrity death pool for 2011, but appears I may be off by a decade). Jesse Palmer attempted to find
fame love on The Bachelor, as did Chad Ocho Cinco on VH1. Lamar Odom walked down the isle on E!, and Terrell Owens is doing something or another on whichever network it was that thought it wise to give T.O. his own show. George Teague is a big fan, I hear. Regardless, a Football Wives television show must soon be developed. If there is already one airing, get these two on there immediately. It’s utterly essential – if only for entertainment purposes – we be allowed into the mind of Chicago Bears quarterback, and husband to be, Jay Cutler. Can you imagine?
If you haven’t heard the breaking news already, Cutler is set to wed reality television star — and hopeful actress, of course – Kristin Cavallari. Cavallari made a name for herself gracing our television sets on MTV’s reality-ish Laguna Beach and later The Hills a few years back. She’s beautiful and by all accounts, a smart woman who has found ample success in her own right. But Cavallari has graduated from reality TV for the moment and is currently a working model on the days she’s not out spending afternoons browsing Rodeo Drive with her future beau.
(Chad Ocho Cinco - left, Jay Cutler - right, Kristin Cavallari – stage)
We all remember Cutler’s collapse in the NFC Championship game. For all the talk of wanting to beat a fully-healthy Bears team and how it’s never fun to see players injured – no matter how hated — Cutler’s sideline pout session was fascinating in a countless number of ways. Fascinating, to say the least. The Twitter backlash, the analysts, current and former players ripping into Cutler for being “soft”; it had many glued to the story.
As the lockout wears on…and on…we (me) NFL-obsessed fans with little to do during the offseason – outside of crush on Aaron Rodgers (Scrubs – Guy Love) and dream of braiding Clay Matthews’ mane – must search elsewhere for worthwhile NFL “news.” According to the Chicago Sun Times and The Big Lead (great blog), Jay Cutler is set to ’put a ring on it’ next summer or late spring. There are already two wedding registries published online. Apparently the duo would like a $300.00 waffle maker, 2.5 oz. shot glasses along with 20 oz. beer mugs, a teabag rest plate shaped like a teapot (he’s a tea drinker; who knew?), and a few boardgames. Interesting. Things to do during the playoffs, I suppose.
threaten death and physical violence patiently wait for the NFL lockout to end and for football to resume, I guess we have to settle for stories like this. Personally, I find it incredibly intriguing…the thought of Cutler settling down. So many questions to ask/have answered. Questions that could be answered by giving these two their own TV show. Who popped the question? How? Who will be on the guest list? Maurice Jones-Drew? Will it affect Cutler on the football field? Will Cavallari spank or put Jay in timeout during his tantrums? Over/under 6 months? Pre-nup? Will the cameras at Soldier Field cut to Cavallari as much as Monday Night Football landed on Deanna Favre over the past decade? How does Cutler feel about the media/player backlash he received/receives daily? What are his hobbies? Does he want kids? Does she? Will they sleep in separate beds? Sepearate houses? Boxers or briefs? Does Cutler really utilize a ceiling mirror in his bedroom? What kind of car does he drive? Does he actually dress like THIS? How does diabetes affect his daily life? Does he shave his face that way, or does the facial hair to simply grow in all white-trashy like that (poor Joe Dirt reference)? What is Jay’s relationship with his teammates and coaches like? Does he “hang out” with his teammates on off days? Do they watch ESPN or prefer the NFL Network? Is Jay Cutler as dead inside as he appears to be on the outside? What is going on inside the brain of the always-impassive-appearing Cutler? Is the vitriol towards Cutler warranted? For real, I would give much to learn more about this fellow. Again, if only for cheap entertainment purposes.
The Metrodome’s roof collapsed, the field turf molded over. An up-and-coming wide receiver – the respectable Kenny Britt – parties while Britney Spears wraps her legs around his head. The Vikings punter (seems about right) calls Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, Logan Mankins, and Vincent Jackson ”d***** bags.” A former player replies, ‘kickers will speak when spoken to.‘ Punter responds. Twitterland in Wisconsin blows up after some no name safety shares with the world his odd, sexual fetishes along with a handful poor bedroom jokes. David Beckham names his son after George Costanza. The Brewers’ team psychologist gets a 1,000% raise after learning he/she will have to deal with both Tony Plush and Francisco Rodriguez in consecutive sessions. Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker James Harrison calls NFL commisioner Roger Goodell satan. And now, Jay Cutler is getting married. The stories we (perhaps just me me) grasp onto during the NFL lockout/offseason…