I know this will be mocked for its potential inaccuracies by you purists who have Ted Thompson analyzed inside out, but consider this just a flight of fancy that I had today, thinking of how Ted might wish he hadn’t cut Cullen Jenkins loose, and how he might daydream in his office of different approaches he would (and should) take, in letter form.

What Ted Would Say:

Dear Cullen,

How’s it going for you this off-season buddy? I know that we’re really not supposed to be in touch with players, due to that nasty lockout and the squabbling that’s going on between the non-Union and the NFL, so just consider this a friendly note from an old friend checking in to see how you are.

You may have heard that there’s been a bit of a rumpus with our friend Johnny again. That young man is such a sweet-hearted kid, but he sure seems to find himself in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong drugs over and over again, doesn’t he?

I just don’t know what short there is in that kid’s wiring, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to get fixed anytime soon at least in time for this football season. Yes, yes, I’m still optimistic all of this familial squabbling will die down in time to play, I’m sure you are too.

Mike and I were kind of wondering if you’d started making plans for your future before all of this lockout stuff started, you know, so we’d know where to get in touch with you to send the Christmas card? If you haven’t quite worked it out yet, let me know where you’re thinking you’ll end up landing. I heard your old abode in Green Bay is still empty. You know the housing market these days; it may be vacant for quite a while. Just in case you were interested in moving back.

Because, you know, we’d always love to run into you at the grocery store…or the gas station…heck, I’d even invite you to my annual New Year’s Eve party. It’s quite a shindig; everyone talks about how “Drunken Ted Thompson” looks. (They keep comparing me to some guy in New Jersey named Al, for some reason…odd.) Everyone’s got to let his hair down in a while. If you were here, I know you’d need a job…I’m sure something would turn up quickly for you.

Anyway, Cullen, I hope all is well with you and your family. If you get a chance, drop me a note back…let’s keep in touch. I hope we have an opportunity to have lunch at Curly’s Pub later this spring and catch up.

Regards,

Ted

What Ted Should Say:

Dear Cullen:

You were right. I am a doorknob. I’m so, so, sorry….I can’t believe I ever thought that idiot Jolly would straighten himself up, and instead threw you an opportunity to move on and get paid tons of money when in fact all you really wanted was to stay in Green Bay. I pride myself on my ability to pick quality players, but everyone makes a mistake now and then, even yours truly.

I beseech you to think about how much you love the town of Green Bay, the fans and your teammates and how much fun it was to fondle that Lombardi trophy at the end of the game. You know, you were such a critical part of how things ended up and I can only apologize from the bottom of my heart that we were such blooming idiots. I assure you we hold you in high regard and will every day from now on.

Please, please consider coming back to the Packers. You can even come in my office and laugh at me once in a while if it makes you feel better. Mike promises to give you the best locker in the dressing room.

Ashamedly,

Ted

 

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  • http://www.pocketdoppler.com BigSnakeMan

    Um, yeah…that’s not happening.

  • ex oh

    Yea except Cullen leaving and Jolly screwing up are entirely unrelated. We’ll not be resigning Cullen because Jolly is a tard.

    Don’t believe me? Wait and see.