CHICKS DIG SCARS. My Christmas List! No Crocs, please.
Happy Holidays to all our readers! I’ve compiled a list of things I’d like for Christmas. Perhaps you’d like to share your wishes with us in the comment section?
1. Have you looked at the NFC West lately? They will send a team to the playoffs with, AT BEST, an 8-8 record. The possibility exists that a division champion could be 7-9. Not only that, but get a HOME GAME over a team that is 11-5 or 10-6. Therefore, in honor of truly craptastic football, my first Christmas wish is that the NFL institute a rules change. Maybe TWO.
- First being that if you can’t finish above .500, you do not deserve to play in the post season. Period. If a division “champion” finishes 7-9, their spot in the playoffs is taken by a third Wild Card team, unless the third Wild Card has a worse record. This doesn’t happen often. It’s rare that an entire division is THIS BAD. Congratulations Rams, Seahawks, 49ers and Cardinals. You SUCK.
- Second rules change: Reseeding the playoff teams. The team with the better record gets the home field. If a Wild Card finishes with a better record than a division champ (something that will happen in the NFC this year, with BOTH Wild Card teams finishing above the NFCW champion), then the Wild Card hosts the first round game. You are rewarded for winning more games, not penalized.
2. I no longer want to see, imagine, or think about, ANY body parts of ANY member of the New York Jets football organization (including spouses). This includes, but not limited to, feet, dongs, Crocs and asses. Exception to this request are shirtless photos of Mark Sanchez (see yesterday’s Dreamy Dudes of Doppler).
3. A concussion protection helmet for Aaron Rodgers that does not make him look like The Great Gazoo (or Eli Manning).
4. For our divisional foes:
- A new stadium for the Queenies. Maybe a nice one out on LA, where they can join that aforementioned division of shitastic football. We’ll take the Rams. Yeah, I know it’s not very “tradtional,” but I guess my hate for all things Vikings may be clouding my judgement. Better yet, can we have Tampa back in the division? I’m sure the road trip to Florida to play in an outdoor stadium sounds much more appealing than Minneapolis or St. Louis.
- Chicago. A new field. Good GOD what was that shitty rug they played on all year? It was dead and BROWN in September! Dear City of Chicago, we know you have money since you tax everything within an inch of its life. Spend some cash on your football field.
- Lions. You got your present. Last week.
5. Shawn Slocum: A different job. I guess I don’t need to point out the games which were lost by horrific special teams blunders this season. Number one on the list being the Washington game. A winning field goal at the end of regulation that bounces off the upright, and a punt in OT that gives the Redskins the ball at the 48 yard line? All on special teams. Then, the momentum changing kick off return by Chris Farley in the New England game? Ye Gods.
6. To Brett Favre: maturity. As Brett left the field Monday night, he told the Bears’ Julius Peppers to “beat the Packers in a couple weeks.” He didn’t tell Peppers, “Good luck in the playoffs. ” or “Congratulations on winning the division.” No. So single minded is his childish bitterness toward the team who MADE HIM, that all he can think about is that they need to be beaten. If he has to stay home during the playoffs, than so should the Packers (because it is all about him, you know). Eat shit, Brett. Just when you think the ice between the QB and his former fans is beginning to thaw, he opens his mouth, reveals his true feelings, and sets everything back, again.
7. A win over the Giants and Bears at Lambeau. Goes without saying, but I feel that I have to mention it.
8. No more injuries. Having an IR that could kick the asses of any other team’s IR, isn’t something to brag about.
9. Next year, no Super Bowl talk. We can’t help what the media says, but can we put a lid on the t-shirts and Super Bowl talk in the locker room? Also, no more dressing up in the attire of the Super Bowl city during preseason luncheons? Thanks so much.
10. Casey Matthews. Make it happen. I could really warm up to bookend brothers on defense.
11. Aaron…..SLIDE. I’m sure your mother called you up a few times last week to yell at you about it, so I won’t dwell. Welcome back, we missed you. I hope you’re good and pissed about missing a game. Now SLIDE, DAMMIT.
12. Ed Hochuli. We know you work out. We know you love to show off your guns and flex for the cameras. However, it is not necessary to insinuate yourself into the outcome of games, just so we can worship those guns. Although, anytime you throw a flag at Jay Cutler, I’m with ya. Give it an extra flex when you call intentional grounding on him, again, please. Thanks.
13. Can SOMEONE please tell me where I can find one of these t-shirts that the lovely QB1 below is wearing? NO ONE has them! I found the jackets, but what I want is this long sleeved t-shirt. Oh, NFL.com does have them for the Bills and the Jags! Ummm….no thanks!
14. And finally, I wish for Vince Lombardi’s Trophy to come HOME to its rightful place at 1265 Lombardi Avenue. It’s what every Packers fan wishes every year, but no Christmas list would be complete without it. As Mike Holmgren said in his Super Bowl victory speech, the trophy may mean a lot to other teams, “but it means more to us.” Right on.