Sweatpants, Man’s Best?
(Basically just an excuse to make fun of the Minnesota Vikings and everyone included in their laughable franchise)
An interesting question, are sweatpants one of the best, if not the greatest, inventions by man today? Some say the wheel, electricity or the Internet, but I’m teetering on the verge of accepting sweats as #1. Preseason is trolling along at a let’s-shorten-the-preseason-to-2-games pace, and with all the players resting up for the regular season, the on field play has taken a backseat to what they are sporting on those sidelines. Comfort on the sidelines is key, especially for crucial Minnesota Vikings’ players such as Sydney Rice and Cedric Griffin (Ouch!). It is important for them to know what get-up will provide maximum relaxation.
First off, what exactly are “sweat-pants?” Research shows sweatpants as an informal variety of trousers intended for comfort, athletic or lounging (on a ‘Love Boat’) purposes. A fair amount of jails and juvenile institutions use sweatpants for their main uniform because of convenience, and former Minnesota Viking great and NFL Hall of Famer Carl Eller is in a great position to confirm this. Smart man. With a loose fitting yet snug comfort, and ease of washing, sweatpants are a preferred bottom outfit. In the United Kingdom they are varyingly known as track suit bottoms or the more informal, jogging bottoms. In Australia and New Zealand they are know as track pants or “trakky daks.” Also they can, in Ireland, be known as ‘Fatman Trousers’.
No matter what they are called and where, the intention is clear. Comfort is imperative. The old man from Kiln (kiln with a small, feminine ‘k’), promotes his Wranglers as “real, comfortable jeans.” Poppy cock. Jeans may look better during a television commercial, but they also equal wasted time. If the weather in training camp becomes too hot, roll your sweats up, if the air conditioned stadium sidelines get a bit “Chilly,” roll them down. #4 himself proved the lack that Wranglers presents when he flew cross-country and showed up in Minnesota in an attire sans jeans.
Another important issue is eating. For obvious reasons, sweatpants are crucial to the appetites of players such as Fat-Pat Williams, and his “Williams’ Wall” buddy Kevin. During holiday meals, or in this case every breakfast, lunch and dinner, the guilt of loosening a belt notch or popping a button can cripple any one’s self-esteem. With sweatpants however, the waist band magically expands. Undeterred, both Williams can now attack that holiday buffet without regards to their expanding waistline. Not only that, but the ’Fatman Trouser’ pockets are more than capable of carrying leftovers or as many Star Caps needed to drop essential poundage. It’s a win-win for the (cheating) Williams fellows.
There is always a justifiable reason for NFL players to have a pair of jogging bottoms on hand. Who knows when that sore ankle might flare up? Who knows when mandatory training camp might become a bore? Who knows when you will sick up and need to spring to the rest room after countless fumbles (9) by your All-Pro running back? Who knows when when a migraine might set in or a coach may bench you after 4 short plays? Who knows when a player may feel the sudden urge to hang up his cleats after just lacing them up? Unlikely, but from what we’ve seen, it happens…seemingly every summer. For every conceivable situation, sweatpants fit the bill.
It just makes sense, and more so for coaches in the NFL. The head of a football coach is always on the chopping block. Even if said coach just received an extension, it is always possible that he might lose his job and end up on the couch prior to midseason…Especially when he ties his franchise’s fate to a single player who has undermined his coach’s credibility more than once. Um, hello?
I believe that settles the debate. Whether roaming the injury-riddled sidelines, taking a flight down to Mississippi (to beg) or lounging on the couch waiting for your team to inevitably implode, sweatpants simply cannot be topped. Others have their ideas, but sweatpants have reached the top of my list of man-made inventions. Even the great, former hosts of Sportscenter Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann spoke of donning sweats at times behind their Internationally televised desks.
Brew the coffee, spark up the grill, pop open the laptop for fantasy statistics or prepare however you deem appropriate, but be ready for some excellent football in 2010. Other fans will certainly feel more joy and elation than their one-state-over rivals, but there is no question in my personal opinion that NFL games cannot be enjoyed to the maximum unless doing so in a pair of snug but not too snug, loose fitting but not too loose fitting, convenient and not too informal track suit bottoms. Others may disagree, and that’s perfectly fine. Point is, find an outfit that puts you in prime position to luxuriate in the crash that will be the 2010 Minnesota Vikings.